alee_grrl | Entries tagged with health

Sorry to have been so quiet. Life keeps marching on and I just haven't had a whole lot to say. Still trying to sort out varying fatigue issues and trying to stay a bit more active to help with my knees and other arthritic joins. Still working freelance as a paralegal and professional services consultant (with editing and other creative consulting done as well). I have one steady gig that provides me with 20 hours a week, and a few other clients who have short projects for me from time to time. ( Putting the rest under a cut as it got long. Also content warning for discussion of health issues (mostly fatigue, hormone treatment/balancing, allergies, arthritis). Nothing terribly detailed, but I know not everyone has spoons for health stuff all the time. )

So all in all, I'm doing okay and have no real complaints. Just taking most days as they come. Been listening to a lot of music on the drive to and from work. Highly recommend Beyonce's Cowboy Carter album, it's gorgeous. But another song that has completely caught my heart is the one the title of this post comes from, "On the Road" by Walk Off the Earth.

Watch on YouTube

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: On the Road by Walk Off the EArth

Hi, y'all. Sorry for the long silence. Life has been crazy this year. One of my heart-sisters had a heart attack in August and a second one a few weeks later. She is thankfully fine and recovering well, but it was terrifying for everyone. Job hunting was exhausting and demoralizing, but ultimately I decided to go freelance and focus more on part-time work for now so I could also work on fixing some of the health issues I was having. This gave me time to devote to therapy, both physical and mental, which has been very needed. I'm thankful that I could move back in with chosen family and also thankful for the available government aid (it isn't much, but every little bit helps--particularly having insurance through Medicaid). Part of me feels guilty for even applying for those benefits because there are days I don't feel particularly disabled. But then I realize that disability is disability. Even though I wouldn't qualify for social security disability because I can still work, just not 40 hours a week, doesn't mean I'm not disabled at all.

Apparently, I have developed full-blown osteoarthritis in both knees, so that's been fun. It was only discovered because I fell in August while carrying a box down the stairs. Thankfully, I was towards the bottom of the stairs, so I wasn't badly injured. I bruised my knees, scraped my shin and one ankle, and twisted the same ankle weirdly (but managed not to sprain it). The x-rays taken post-fall showed the arthritis. So that sucks, but after talking with my PCP I agreed to try physical therapy and I've been amazed at how helpful that has been. It's helped relieve the pain a lot and has built up my endurance a bit.

I can now walk a mile without thinking I'm going to die or needing to sit down partway through. I can stand comfortably for longer periods of time and my balance is improving so I'm less terrified while on stairs. It's been a mix of aquatic and land-based PT too, which has been nice. I need to look into the discount memberships for the local community gym that the aqua PT is held at as it would be nice to do that on my own time as well as during official PT.

I also started a new therapy program over the summer, one using a newer neuropsychology modality called accelerated resolution therapy. I have a post I put up on Tumblr about it that I'll copy/paste here after I get this post up. It was odd but incredibly helpful. I was honestly surprised how how effective it was. We completed the sessions just after Thanksgiving and I'm still doing well. I'm to call if things come up or get worse again, but, otherwise, I just get to keep going on with these new tools in my arsenal.

Let's see, what else to update....in September I landed a regular contract position as a paralegal for 20 hours a week, and I've been doing a lot of small projects here and there. Consulting, research, and graphic design work for one of my law school friends, and developmental editing and beta reading for some of my writer friends. I've even been able to get some writing done and have a new fic that will be going up on Tuesday (it's for a Secret Santa exchange, so I can't post it til then).

Now if I can just kick this absolutely wicked strain of strep, I'll be very good. Prior to this, I didn't even know strep could cause ear aches, but, wow, can it cause ear aches. I'm on the second round of antibiotics for it cause the symptoms came back the day after I finished the first round. Good times. But even with this nonsense, I'm doing better than I have in a long time. I feel a lot more grounded than I'd been feeling, which is really nice.

So that's the state of me. I hope y'all are all doing well and that your holiday season is as low-stress and happy-making as possible.

Current Mood: mellow

Today was my last day at the firm I've worked with for the past five years, and mostly I just feel a stunning amount of relief to be done with it. Talking with my heart-mom this evening made me realize how much I hadn't even acknowledged to myself the issues and frustrations I had with this particular workplace or how toxic it was. Unlike the last really shitty job I had, the red flags were way more subtle and took a long time to really notice. I do think my boss, his wife, and the other senior attorney at the firm are not bad people necessarily, just deeply self-involved and out of touch with the reality that most of us deal with on a day-to-day basis.

But over the last year, I've really paid more attention and realized that while they say all the right things, their actions often don't back them up. They might say they support your need to take sick leave, but will then make little snide comments or passive-aggressive remarks that suggest that they really think that maybe you're just lazy. And you could never predict if you were going to get the kind and supportive co-worker/boss or the passive-aggressive one.

It's easier to see now that the depression, anxiety, and physical health issues I've dealt with contributed to my refusing to admit to anyone (myself most especially) that I was miserable and frustrated and that the workplace was not a healthy one. I had hoped I'd gotten better about not lying to myself to try to survive shitty situations, but, apparently, that's a lesson I still need to work on. Thankfully, I am doing the work.

And now I'm quit of the place and hopefully have learned to better see more subtle workplace issues and red flags. The next two weeks will be busy with packing and cleaning. Then I'll haul my stuff and self down to Virginia and work on getting settled into my temp lodgings with family. Then it will be job hunting and settling in further. All part of the next adventure. I'm looking forward to seeing where this takes me.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: New Soul by Yael Naim

Monday morning was my usual routine. Got up, set up work laptop so I could be ready to start at 8:30. Put the coffee on, got my bagel ready for breakfast. Settle down with coffee and breakfast. Take a bite of bagel, and hear "snap."

One of those sounds you never want to hear when it comes to dentures and teeth. After I unfroze from horrified surprise, I was able to determine that my lower plate had pretty much snapped clean in two.

I immediately called my dental office, and I have an appointment tomorrow morning to get them repaired. They should be fixable as it is a clean break. But dang that was money I would have liked not to spend.

I am incredibly thankful though that it was my bottom plates as those are easier to do without, and that with dentures at least when shit like this happens it almost never causes physical pain. So that's a blessing. I was also incredibly thankful that they could get me in this week.

So tomorrow morning I will oust myself from the house, with face covering and gloves handy. Go to the dentist, and then stop at the store and top up my supplies as the store is right next to the dentists office. So it makes sense to do it all in what is essentially one trip. Then hopefully I can hole back up at my house for several weeks without having to leave except to take the garbage out and grab the mail.

Other than this dental misadventure, things have been mostly okay. I've pretty much over whatever cold/flu bug I had, and the sinus infection that followed it. I have restarted the tetracyline for lyme treatment and that has me a bit tired right now, but it's getting better. Work is mostly okay and fairly quiet. I am slowly working on a story for a fic exchange. I will have at least the first chapter (short chapter, but a chapter) done by Sunday when the fics are due. I hope to have the second chapter finished as well, but we will see.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is hanging in there and doing as well as can be in these strange and trying times. Much love to you all.

Current Mood: okay

I'm not doing very well mentally right now, though I am trying to take care of myself. And one of the ways I can possibly help is by speaking out loud about what my brain and anxiety is doing so others can help me confirm that the brain weasels are indeed lying liars who lie.

I woke up on Wednesday with a headache and a bit of a stuffy head. Hoping it was just stress and allergies, I let folks at work know I was going to lay back down for a bit and that I would likely be late to work. My headache was better when I got up, so I went into work. Then I starting dealing with a sore throat and slight cough. By the end of the day I was feeling pretty crummy. We decided I'd work from home the rest of the week, unless I felt I wasn't up to even that. I stopped by the store to pick up a few things, feeling guilty for being out when I wasn't feeling well but knowing that I needed to get things cause I was likely to be cooped up for a while. I had previously stocked up on some things, but I was out of my usual fruit and out of meat.

I've done my best to minimize my time of facebook and such for my own mental health. And I've been relying on discord to feel more connected and less isolated, which does help.

But of course, I can't avoid all the memes that are going around (and some are very entertaining). However, a lot of the "people are stupid and panicking over nothing" memes aren't helping my mental health. I know that they aren't necessarily directed at me, but it's making my brain weasels act up something fierce. Especially since many of my observable symptoms are mild. I'm not hacking up a lung, my nose isn't dripping like a leaky faucet, I'm not running a fever by medical standards (ignoring that my normal body temp is well below the average so 98 degrees is probably a fever for me). So all I can hear is my mother's voice telling me that I'm not really sick, I'm just being lazy or looking for attention. I keep trying to tell myself that if I were truly lazy I would not have worked (albeit from home) Thursday and Friday, but brain weasels can be very loud and insistent buggers.

So I am doing what I often struggle to do, which is to actual say aloud that I am struggling. If you are also struggling, please know that you are not alone in that. I hope that everyone is taking care of themselves as best they can in this crazy world. <3 <3 <3

Current Mood: crappy

My mouth is thankfully healing. I was even able to wear my lower dentures for a little while this morning and eat something that required a bit of chewing. Between that and some decent sleep I'm feeling quite a bit better about life. I have no plans other than catching up on some fanfic and chilling to music. It's lovely.

Another really sweet thing that happened was my boss's wife bringing me a pan of homemade mac n'cheese. I thanked her profusely, and send an additional thank you note after heating it up for dinner. It was quite yummy and will likely feed me for a week. :D

Things like that remind me that as stressful and depressing as my job can be at times, the people I work with are really amazing and kind people.

Hope others are having a lovely weekend. <3

Current Mood: content
Current Music: Lizzo's NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert

So I found out today that I am getting a much needed raise, which should (touch wood) ease some of my financial worries. And this was very happy making news, but I lacked the energy for much more than a profound thank you to my boss. Largely because my mouth freaking hurts, and while I'm good at tuning out pain to a certain degree it is still tiring. ( cn: dental/mouth issues )

So needless to say, I'm tired and a bit grumpy and it was hard to show excitement over the raise. And now my brain weasels are trying to tell me that I didn't show the appropriate level of appreciation and that it will come back and bite me on the ass. Which is silly because my boss and co-workers are aware that I am having mouth issues, and because they are giving me a raise because I deserve one and have earned it, not because they wanted effusive praise. So I am happy and thankful, but will likely be more happy and thankful when I am not exhausted and in pain.

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Grateful Dead - "Touch of Grey"

I have had all the intentions of posting more frequently for ages, but none of the follow through. But the recent meltdown of tumblr and subsequent fall-out (namely dreamwidth seeing more activity, particularly from fandom folks seeking refuge from tumblr) has reminded me of that goal.

Part of the problem for me has been trying to figure out what to write and being intimidated about posting after so long a hiatus. Not sure why the latter happens, but brains are weird. ( Some rambling about life, with brief mentions of health issues, including mental health stuff (though nothing in depth), under the cut. ) I'm sure there is plenty of other stuff that I could ramble about, but I'm going to wrap this post up for now. I am hoping to start posting more frequently, but make no promises. On the other hand, if there is anything you'd like to know more about, hit me up. Sometimes prompts make it easier to come up with posts.

Hope everyone is having a happy, peaceful, and as low stress as possible holiday season (and enjoying whatever particular holidays they celebrate). Much love to you all. <3

Current Mood: peaceful

I returned to work full time in January, starting as an office temp through Kelly Services as a way to get my feet wet after so long outside of the regular 40 hour work world, and to start having some sort of income. In the interim I took a deep breath and reached out to potential mentors for my attorney licensing requirements (Vermont requires a completed six month mentorship as part of their newly revised licensing guidelines for attorneys).

And in looking for a mentor, I managed to also find a good starting position at a law firm. So I'm happy to share that since April 3rd I've been working as an Associate Attorney for a very small law firm. I'm also the receptionist, but the firm is literally 3 attorneys (the managing partner/attorney, two associates--including myself, and a part-time bookkeeper). So we all do a little bit of everything. The pay to start isn't great, but is better than I was making as clerical staff. And it's a way to get my foot in the door so to speak. On the super happy making side of things, I really love working with my boss and the other associate. Both are very supportive regarding health issues. And the working environment and attitudes of my co-workers tend to mesh well with my own personal beliefs and work ethic. So despite the fact that being an attorney, and a new attorney at that, is a stressful thing. I'm not nearly as stressed as I could be. I get to leave work primarily at work after I go home for the day (checking email occasionally to be sure no fires have arisen that need any attention). And my efforts at the office are appreciated by both the senior associate and our boss.

Also for a bit of "yes, Vermont is a small freaking state," I actually went to law school with the other associate. He was a year ahead of me and we didn't know each other well at the time. But there was definitely I moment of "wait, you look awfully familiar" when we first met.

So things are looking very optimistic and hopeful for me right now. I'm slowly working on getting all the mentorship requirements and activities done so I can keep my license. So many arbitrary hoops to jump through to be a lawyer. It can be more than a bit ridiculous at times. I'm enjoying the work I get to do for the most part, and learning a lot which is always a good thing. I'm still slogging through Lyme treatment and still slowly improving (though some days it is harder to tell than others). I still spend most of my downtime reading fanfic.

I can't promise that I will update more frequently. I often mean to, but don't get around to doing so. My social anxiety was really bad for a while, which ate up a lot of words and spoons. That's easing somewhat. So we shall see.

Much love to my friends here. I may not be very active online right now, but I still love the hell out of all of you.

Current Mood: grateful

So as I stated in my last update, surgery went really well. I had my first post-op check-up and the doc was super pleased with how I'm doing. The long and short of it is that I feel loads better than I did pre-surgery. I'm actually rather amazed by how much better I feel to be honest. It has been another one of those times where I have only realized how sick I truly was after the offending organ(s) have been removed (the other being post gallbladder removal). There is some pretty impressive bruising, but everything is healing up nicely and function is returning to various gut systems.

The other thing I've discovered is that I can (for now at least) tolerate certain amounts of sugars and carbs. I've been on a low yeast diet (low carbs; no sweeteners) for about five years as part of my lyme treatment. This is the first time in a long time that I've tried adding back in a substantial amount of carbs. While it has largely been a surprisingly good experience, it has brought up the many issues I have surrounding food.

The rest of this post is mostly going to be me ruminating on those issues and putting them in writing so I can use them as a reminder to myself later. Like other posts I'm sharing it publicly because others may find it helpful to feel not so alone if they have similar issues. ( CW: dietary and nutrition issues; body image and weight issues; OCD traits and issues; disordered eating issues; mentions of childhood abuse/trauma resulting from a parent with an undiagnosed, and therefor untreated, mental illness. Also long post is long. )

tldr; post surgery diet triggered some brain weasels, which resulted in many thinky thoughts and ponderings (as seen above in the long post under the cut). But despite the weasels and all the thinking I am doing surprisingly well emotionally and healing from surgery quite nicely. I'm also resting like I am supposed to be doing. So go me! Hope everyone else is doing alright. <3

Yesterday was my surgery and everything went well. I was able to come home late last night and have been resting and letting my sister take care of me (though getting up and moving about as I feel up to it as that helps speed the healing process). All in all I feel pretty good considering I just had surgery. Pain levels are manageable, and heating pads are wonderful things.

Another doctor's appointment that is, am one step closer to surgery. Icon choice unrelated to contents of post, I just really like this icon. :) ( CW: discussions of gynecological stuff )

As an added bonus I got to spend the whole day with my sister since she took me to the doctor this morning, and then hung out with me until she had to pick her husband up from the airport (they live about an hour away, so driving home and then coming back made absolutely no sense). So we had fun hanging out.

In less fun news my bar review materials have arrived. So I can start my studying. It is a necessary evil, but...yuck. I'm doing my best to think about the things I need to do (studying, house cleaning, laying in supplies for post-op recovery) in bite-sized chunks so as not to get too massively overwhelmed. But for the rest of the evening I'm going to relax and read fan-fic as today used up quite a few spoons.

Current Mood: tired

My surgery date has been moved up to Oct. 14! Very exciting news.

In less exciting news my brain weasels suddenly decided to get worked up last night and focused on the topic of "you having surgery is going to be such a pain in the ass for your chosen family cause they will have to take time out of their busy lives to take care of you." I have reminded them that I have never found it a hardship to reorganize my own schedule to help those I love out, and that this sort of thing is how healthy families work. But it is hard to let go off those first lessons learned. The only other surgeries I've had were while I was still living with my mother. My tonsils came out at 7, and since I was still in the "young enough to pamper" stage my mother was all lovely dovey and supportive. Sadly that didn't last very long. She would still do a bit of pampering if I was sick, but usually only if she could use it to make herself look like the wonderful mother making sacrifices for her sickly offspring. It was pretty hit and miss. By the time I had my gallbladder out in my early 20s, I was pretty much expected to take care of all things on my own. And if she did help there was a lot of "oh the things I do for my children; aren't I just the best mother in the world." Basically all the things that leave you thinking that being sick, injured, or needing surgery make you more of a burden than your worth. I've untangled a lot of these responses and can now recognize them as bullshit. But the deep brain weasels still love to latch on to the old thoughts.

So I'm doing my best to focus on the positive. While surgery is never done lightly, and recovery won't be a walk in the park, it will be well worth it in the long run. It will be one less regular source of pain (physical and mental) and aggravation. And that makes it entirely worth it. Also my chosen family is awesome and nothing at all like my mother.

Other unrelated good things: There is a steampunk festival in Vermont this year (Sept 11-13) and I have treated myself to a weekend pass, tickets to the ball, and a hotel for the weekend. Doubt I'll do any cosplay this year, but it will still be a blast to go. One of my sisters and nephew will meet up with me on Saturday to hang out and enjoy things. So that is very happy making.

Hysterectomy has been scheduled for November 3. All necessary pre-op appointments have been scheduled and I have someone to take me to various appointments.

I continue to like my therapist and we've found a good time for regular appointments.

I went to my second trans support group at the local Pride center despite a bout of social anxiety and being a wee bit low on spoons. Thankfully I was already downtown as I'd had a therapy appointment. So I treated myself to dinner and went on to the meeting. It was very nice and I'm glad I went.

Elementary is now available for streaming on Hulu, so I can finally get around to watching it. Though my watching may go slowly as I have other things I need and want to do.

The over the counter progesterone cream by PCP recommended for use on non birth control pill days (which is now every day) seems to be helping some with cramps and bleeding. This is very happy making.

Heating pads are glorious inventions.

New PCP was amazing. I think I spent a bit more than an hour with her. She was amazingly easy to talk with, listened to my complaints and issues, listened when I noted why a solution would not work for me, was willing to discuss multiple options of things. Plus she is Lyme literate and understands the protocol that I am on. She was able to explain why I've been having such issues with my cycle lately and offer a couple of solutions, including the name of a trans friendly gyno who can evaluate my candidacy for uterine ablation. She also had a great suggestion for a trans friendly counselor who deals with many of the issues I juggle on a regular basis. So I will be making calls tomorrow to see if I can set up appointments. She had some excellent suggestions on how to manage current hormonal and menstruation problems while we work on more permanent solutions. We set a follow up appointment for October (though I can go in sooner if something else arises).

I'm absolutely ecstatic and thanking my gods for such a good fit.

Current Mood: ecstatic

I know I've been super quiet the past few months. I stepped up my Lyme treatment, which meant a lot of time spent resting. I also needed some time to focus inward and to process several things. Now I feel like I'm ready to start socializing again, and ready to catch folks up on what has been going on in my head and life. This is likely to be a long post. It is also likely to contain some fairly heavy topics. ( Content Warnings: Discussions of Grief and loss, discussions of mental and physical health issues, mentions of body dysphoria/body image issues, gender dysphoria, gender identity issues, abuse and trauma )

For those who do not have the spoons (emotional or otherwise) to read the whole post, I've been doing a lot of thinking and come to the realization that I'm genderqueer. Not sure where on the spectrum I fall, but I am finally comfortable acknowledging that I am genderqueer. Reasons for not acknowledging it earlier are many and discussed in depth above. The big take away is that I am okay with the realization and taking steps forward in exploring a more authentic version of myself. It's just been a lot to process. But in the end I'm gonna be just fine. I'm currently comfortable with they/them and she/her pronouns. I'll let folks know if the preferred pronouns change.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Delilah by Florence + the Machine

( CW: Discussion of grief and it's intersection with health )

( Discussions of doctors, frustrations with doctors, and having a controversial illness/treatment )

We had an absolute house full over the holidays, and it was very nice to see everyone. We had several games of Cards Against Humanity, which is like a much more twisted version of Apples to Apples. It was wickedly fun. We saw "The Hobbit" on Christmas day, and several of us went to see "Into the Woods" on Saturday. Both were enjoyable, though I was a bit frustrated with the editing/storytelling choices for "Into the Woods." I would like to see "The Hobbit" again as I'm sure I missed a whole bunch of details. I'm not exactly in a critical mood regarding my entertainment right now, so if you want a thoughtful critique of either film I'm probably not the best to ask.

Everyone left for their own homes on Sunday, and so things are slowly returning to routine around here. It is strange to have such a quiet house after so much activity, but nice as well. I used the Amazon gift card I got for Christmas to finally buy the complete Cowboy Bebop series on DVD as well as the movie. I've been eyeballing both for a very long time. I already have most of the soundtrack. :)

Diagnostic test showed no abnormalities. So that is a good thing and a huge fucking relief.

( CW: Medical issues involving breasts discussed in more detail below the cut, including mammograms. Please feel free to skip if said issues are triggering or upsetting in any way )

Other happy making things:

I got an amazing and wonderful care-package from sperrywink today with many happy making things
my family is awesome, as are my friends
hot showers are wondrous things

Current Mood: relieved

So I had a follow-up appointment with the doc at my PCP office that handled the rash of doom, and she is concerned about some things so I get to go get more tests. I'm not really wanting to think about the what ifs, so I'm doing the equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears. I'm just repeating to myself "It's probably nothing, she's just doing her due diligence as a doctor." I have however talked what-ifs with family, so I'm not ignoring it completely.

On the bright side of things, almost all of my chosen family is here for the holidays. It is wonderful (if occasionally overwhelming as it is a lot of people in one house). But it is very nice to have lots of lovely fun chats and spend time with everyone.

I managed to miraculously grab a Christmas Eve appointment for one of the diagnostic tests my doc ordered, and my heart-sister/roommate is going to take me. After that depending on folks moods (and how long said test takes), a group of us may go see the last of the Hobbit movies. There will be prime rib for dinner, and tomorrow there will be presents, general festivities, and, if we don't go tonight, a trip to the movie theater.

I hope that everyone is enjoying their holiday, whatever they may celebrate, and having as stress free a time as possible.

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Manda

April 2024

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The Freedom Song of the Jigsaw Girl

salsa with the sunbeams; dance across your universe

Entries tagged with health

Don't need fixin' cause I ain't broken/don't need saving, just someone to hold

Oh wow, it's been a while

To endings and new beginnings

Adventures in wearing dentures

Godzilla sized brain weasels are no fun at all

Bright sides

Every silver lining's got a touch of grey

Ponderings, aka trying to get back in the habit of posting here

Been a long time my friends

Post surgery recovery and introspection

Surgery went well

Another one bites the dust

Great googly-moogly

Good things

Walking on sunshine

Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine

Walking through fog on autopilot

"But did you meet CDC criteria for Lyme"

Whew - thank you universe for cutting me this small break

Fa la la la la