The Freedom Song of the Jigsaw Girl

I'm around but kind of hermiting right now. The past couple of weeks were a bit difficult, so I've mostly just been chilling when I can.

Last Sunday would have been my dad's 68th birthday, and it hit me a bit hard this year. I have really felt his absence this year. I would have loved to hear his humorous take on the shit show that this year has been. Although I would have also worried constantly about him and his job as it involved going into big box stores to fix car audio and home theater displays and involved a hell of a lot of travel. But mostly I have really found myself missing his voice.

There was also some stuff that happened on one of my alumni groups that left me exhausted and stirred up some bad memories and issues. So that was fun. ( TW: Mentions of suicide and transphobia )

I'm slowly started to feel on a more even keel (or at least as even a keel as anyone can be right now). But this is why I've been mostly quiet. Just haven't had the spoons for words.

I know I've been super quiet the past few months. I stepped up my Lyme treatment, which meant a lot of time spent resting. I also needed some time to focus inward and to process several things. Now I feel like I'm ready to start socializing again, and ready to catch folks up on what has been going on in my head and life. This is likely to be a long post. It is also likely to contain some fairly heavy topics. ( Content Warnings: Discussions of Grief and loss, discussions of mental and physical health issues, mentions of body dysphoria/body image issues, gender dysphoria, gender identity issues, abuse and trauma )

For those who do not have the spoons (emotional or otherwise) to read the whole post, I've been doing a lot of thinking and come to the realization that I'm genderqueer. Not sure where on the spectrum I fall, but I am finally comfortable acknowledging that I am genderqueer. Reasons for not acknowledging it earlier are many and discussed in depth above. The big take away is that I am okay with the realization and taking steps forward in exploring a more authentic version of myself. It's just been a lot to process. But in the end I'm gonna be just fine. I'm currently comfortable with they/them and she/her pronouns. I'll let folks know if the preferred pronouns change.