Walking through fog on autopilot

[alee_grrl]

I'm finding that grieving for my father is a bit different from some of the other grieving I've done and that grief is a truly complicated thing. I've been a bit amazed that months later I'm still walking around in a fog. It feels a bit like I'm standing in a snow globe while it is being shook up, where it feels impossible to move until the world stops shaking. And whenever your world gets shaken and turn upside down, old hurts and haunts came come back around. It's proven to be an opportunity to see things in new lights, and a chance to continue the healing path. But it's exhausting work.

I'm also finding that grief comes with a lot of physical symptoms, including brain fog and forgetfulness. It is very likely that the grief combined with the toxic work situation is what caused the weird flare up in my Lyme and the strange auto-immune reaction that I had to the tetracycline.

I have been going to grief counseling every week, and have found that very helpful. I have been assured by my counselor that these things are very normal, and that my father's death bringing up old childhood hurts and insecurities is very natural. It has been interesting that much of my counseling sessions is spent talking about my mother and my many issues with her and because of her, considering that my father is the one who died. But apparently that is not uncommon.

Today we actually did an art project as part of therapy, which was very nice. I made a sort of greeting card style collage, where the front of the card represented what the self I presented to the world, the inside represented my internal self, and the back represented a mix of things that help me/give me hope and hopes for the future. It was an interesting project, and I enjoyed doing it.

I also talked with my Lyme doc about putting me on a different antidepressant (I'd been on a low dose of Effexor til November, but has stopped that when the weird rash thing occurred as that was one of the suspected culprits). He put me on Zoloft back at the beginning of January and we've increased it slightly in the past few weeks. I'm definitely finding that it is helping. We've switched to a different antibiotic for now since my body was still reacting to the tetracycline. And after a week on the new antibiotic I'm feeling a little better, which means time to increase soon. But that is good news as it means progress, even if progress is sometimes frustrating. It beats the hell out of regressing, which is what I've felt like my Lyme has been doing.

I'm slowly feeling my brain come back on line, and my body is calming back down. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that it is okay for me to take the time I need to heal and rest, and that pushing myself too hard before I'm ready will only result in a nasty backlash. It is hard to remember when my brain weasels get going and insist that I should be over this by now. But I'm working on being kinder and gentler with myself. I haven't had a lot of words nor known quite what to say, so I've been kind of quiet on dreamwidth lately. But I'm hanging in there and slowly healing.

Comments

[lynnoconnacht]

*good thoughts and offers hugs* The brain weasels are wrong. And mean. And also entirely clueless of how people's brains work.

*more good thoughts* I'm glad to hear you're healing slowly. Take the time you need to do so. That is definitely okay. <3 (I'm sorry I don't have better words.)

[alee_grrl]

::hugs:: Thank you. My brain weasels are utterly vicious and completely clueless of how people's brains work. It always helps to remind myself that they are wrong and mean and best ignored. And it helps when others remind me of that too. Your words are more than enough as they remind me that I am loved and supported, and that is more valuable than anything.

[lynnoconnacht]

*hugses* I am always happy to help people remember that brain weasels are nasty creatures that know nothing when I can. <3

You are definitely loved and supported. <3

(I'm not sure how it wound up posting to the wrong place. :/)

[alee_grrl]

We'll blame the technology gremlins.

Hugs and love and so many thank yous. <3

[sperrywink]

{{{hugs}}}

Grief is a weird and myriad thing, and different all the time. Good luck with your counseling. Sounds like you are doing some good work.

Also good luck with your meds. I hope you find the right balance of stuff.

[alee_grrl]

Thank you. ::hugs::

[untonuggan]

<3

*sending love and light*

[alee_grrl]

Thank you. <3