The Freedom Song of the Jigsaw Girl

The various skin issues (turns out it was a couple of different problems) are finally healing and for the first time in weeks I am feeling something other than miserable, which is very happy making.

( Saga of rash continued (cw: health stuff and anxiety thoughts) )

I did get out of the house briefly today despite the slush on the ground. Was a good test of my cars ability to handle not so good weather and the roads were actually pretty clear. I made a short trip to the pharmacy to pick up a refill and get a few other necessities. Also made a very brief stop by Target. Then came home and put my pajamas back on. :)

Sister and niece have ventured out to explore an IKEA somewhere to the south of us. Niece is getting a bedroom make-over for Christmas and wanted to go pick out her new bed. So for now the house is quiet with just me Artemis and Z. Z has not needed to go out yet, so we haven't seen her reaction to snow. She was originally rescued from South Carolina, so I'm not sure if she's experienced snow or not. Right now she is perfectly content to snore on her comfy bed. I hope all my friends in the US enjoy their Thanksgiving holidays and that said holidays are not stressful (as I know they can be). Hope all my friends outside of the US are having a good and non-stressful week as well. :)

Sometimes you do not realize how badly you've looted your spoon drawer until you run out of all the spoons. This is essentially what has happened to me and why I have not been online or posting much. In the past few months I have (understandably) used up all of my emotional and social spoons and most if not all of my physical spoons. I'm much better at recognizing my physical limits than my social and emotional limits, which can be problematic, though I've gotten better at recognizing all of those limits over the years.

When I think about it I also realize that the last few months involved me needing to be very social. And while I had some downtime where I could just be myself and recoup some spoons, it wasn't a whole lot. So my generation of spoons did not match in any way, shape, or form my use of spoons. This means that now I am foggy, exhausted, and really not much in the mood to be social. I keep informing my brain weasels that this is all very normal for a grieving individual, and not an indication that I am doing something wrong health wise or that something is flaring up.

I am enjoying my trip to Vermont and my heart family is filled with other introverts, which means that we can all sit around and do our own thing and not feel like we have to entertain each other. So that has been nice. I did manage to pull up enough spoons to stop by my former law school and see some of my friends there, which was nice despite being a bit tiring.

I saw my Lyme doctor. ( CW: health and medical discussion )

Now I'm going to go run some errands and then start rounding things up so that I can leave out in the morning.

This is going to be a seriously hard post for me to write. The past week has been a doozy and come with some very not good news that rocked my small law school community to the core. Most important for those who may not read the whole post: I am doing okay, and coping far, far better than I had expected considering all the change and stress of this year.

I'm just going to throw all the content warnings on here for good measure. If you are low on spoons, particularly emotional ones, please feel free to skip this post. I'm going to break this into the three sections mentioned in the title with content warnings on each section.

The Good
We'll start with The Good because that is a nice thing to talk about. I'm going to put this under a cut tag not just for length, but also because I know some of my friends may not have spoons to read about any medical stuff, even stuff with happier outcomes, and other may wish to avoid discussions of food issues. ( CW: Discussion of medications, Lyme treatment, and food/dietary frustrations and realizations; also brief mention of dental stuff at end of section )

The Bad
( CW: Hospitalization of sick extended chosen family member, and discussions of medical tests and treatments post stroke )

The Seriously Ugly
( CW: Suicidal depression, death of a mentor/professor )

I'm doing what I need to do to take care of myself, including compiling lists of resources and sharing them on various social media sites. I also have plans to go see "Guardians of the Galaxy" tonight. If you have good thoughts and energy to spare, please send them out to Professor Hanna's family because I cannot even imagine how hard this must be for them. ( Some of the resources I've found. )

Long post is long. Short of it is that we are all settling in and doing ok. ( CW: Anxiety discussion (both dog and human), brief mentions of bodily functions (dog), usual mentions of health stuff )

Right now I'm enjoying the fact that it is cool enough to have the back door open to only the screen and let the breeze come through. E is doing homework, Z is sleeping as is Artemis, and Em has gone to her dad's for the summer so the house is bizarrely quiet. Our house is usually quiet and calm, even when Em is home. We're a low energy household, which is probably really good for Z. I know its good for me. :)

On a whim I decided to put all the music I have on my computer into a single playlist and hit shuffle. I left out audio books and Christmas music. It's an accumulation of almost two decades. I got my first cds at 16, and I've ripped all my favorite cds to digital file format over the years. The list is over 5,000 songs and about 343 hours worth of music. An interesting variety. It's kind of fun to just hit shuffle. I had completely forgotten about some of these songs.

I did all the stuff I had to do yesterday. So today I can just relax. Hope everyone else is having as relaxing a day possible.

As most of you know I've been in treatment for my Lyme for about four years. One problem with being further along with treatment is that you can be less vigilant with certain protocols because you have been doing it for a while. ( content warning: discussion of medical treatment (meds and med reactions), mention of skin issues, and food sensitivities )

Anxiety levels got really bad last week, and depression started to kick up. We've upped my Effexor a bit more. I've also schedule a check-up with my Primary care, and went to get blood drawn today for the usual work-up (thyroid and metabolic levels). Appointment isn't until the 29th, but I wanted to get the blood work out of the way. I also found a counselor to start seeing and had my first appointment yesterday. The appointment went well and I think I will work well with this therapist. I have another appointment in a week and some breathing/mindfulness exercises to practice to try to help with the anxiety. We talked a lot about the effect of past trauma on the nervous system and how all the transitions I've been dealing with have put me into "not-safe hyper-reactive mode." My appointment was after work, and between the anxiety over seeing new therapist and a long day I was wiped.

Thankfully I had the foresight to plan, and accomplish two things with one work from home request. I asked to work from home today so I could go get blood drawn and not have to worry about getting into work very late. It was fasting blood work so I had to go first thing in the morning. Even if you have an appointment it can take forever (my insurance only covers LabCorp labs and they are usually chronically understaffed). I have a work laptop now, and the remote access key (VPN) so I can easily do my job from anywhere. The bonus was that it would give me a day of quiet to recoup my nerves a little bit. My co-workers are very nice, but can be a loud and a little much for someone who is feeling easily overstimulated. I'm back at the office tomorrow, but then have the weekend to rest some more.

I will eventually find my balance and keep it for a while. But for now it is best to take things a breath at a time.

This week was a long one and I am very low on spoons. Herxes are not so fun, though seem to be a necessary evil (byproduct of killing Lyme spirochetes). Yesterday evening was rough. I didn't realize how much I was hurting til I got home and had a good cry. Sleep helped. I'm doing okay today, though still not very up to writing much. Have been watching videos, reading fanfic, and listening to music.

jelazakazone shared this video conversation with the Sleepy Hollow cast. I highly recommend watching it even if you've never seen the show and have no intention of watching the show. The chemistry between the actors is fabulous and they are all so adorable and funny. Warning: Drinking while watching this video may be dangerous to your health.

Watching the above video led me to this amazing interview with Sirs Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart. Seriously, an hour and a half of two adorable old friends discussing their careers, acting as a craft, favorite/easiest/most difficult Shakespearean roles, how they met, charities they support, and more.

I may feel kind of crummy today, but I am thankful for good friends who diligently help me battle my demons of doubt; warm and comfortable friends; soft, purring kitties; and the internets, because it provides good distractions and connects me to my friends.

I haven't felt so good the past few days. May be coming down with something. It's not a herx as I haven't increased my antibiotics anytime recently. Possibly a cold or cold-like virus. Possibly my body reacting to the barometric pressure of the storm. All I know is that I hurt today. Tired, achy, blech.

Damnit universe--a week and a half prior to the exam is not the time to get sick. Sigh.

Will take today off instead of Sunday, which was my planned day off. And if need be re-adjust my plans for the rest of my studies. It's really hard not to feel guilty for needing to take some time off of studying, but as I tell others: resting is not doing nothing, it's giving your body time to heal. Why is it so much harder to listen to your own advice?

Mantras for the next few weeks:

• My worth and value is not impacted by this test.
• Despite having come a long way in treatment I am still very sick and not able bodied.
• I have already been offered a job, and that job does not hinge on me passing the bar exam.
• Many famous people had to take the bar exam multiple times
• Resting now will improve my chances of retaining information later

Suggestions for fluffy, fun movies or tv shows are welcome. Not sure what I'm in the mood for other than curling up in my pjs.

Have been up and down a bit this past week. Mostly things are going well and I had a lovely birthday last week. Got a stomach bug mid-week, which sucked, but am pretty much recovered from that. Got the results of my most recent blood work...and low and behold some things were out of wack. :/ ( Discussion of health stuff, mental and physical )

Anyway, it has been kind of a dizzying week and I am very, very glad to have a four day weekend. I do have some things I must do this weekend. ::glares at bar exam application:: But I also have some fun, relaxing things planned like watching the shows I didn't get to see in the last few weeks. I'm looking forward to the ridiculous fannish goodness of the 50th Anniversary episode of Dr. Who (after 50 years anyone working on the show counts as a fan and the work as a fan-work in my humble opinion). Might go see Catching Fire with the family on Sunday. So there will be fun-times in with the filling out of forms.

Right now I am off to bed. For my fellow U.S. residents (and American ex-pats or those related to Americans and celebrating Thanksgiving), I wish you a happy and safe Thanksgiving. For my Jewish friends, may you have a happy and blessed Hanukkah. Otherwise may you have a bright rest of the week and a good weekend. Much love to everyone.

( Brief discussion of medical stuff. )

Fe: a haikai

limbs slow and heavy
thought fragments bleed through cotton
stuffed brain, bruised bags shine

against pale skin. Not zombie.
Just iron deficient.