Self-care is hard
Apr. 4th, 2014 09:27 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alee_grrlI was supposed to go to Pennsylvania for the weekend for a friend's bridal shower and bachellorette party. I was very stressed and worried about this because it would have meant a second weekend traveling (last weekend was travel to Vermont to see Lyme Doc) and being out and about when I have been very low on spoons, very stressed by new job, and generally not feeling well. I was also supposed to be one of her bridesmaids, a thing that has been worrying me greatly because my ability to stand for long periods of time is pretty much nil. After really thinking about things I called my friend and let her know that I had been sick and would not be able to come this weekend, and also talked to her about my concerns regarding being a bridesmaid. She was very understanding.
My appointment with my Lyme doc was frustrating and upsetting. I have been very overwhelmed and stressed between new job and worrying about whether I passed the bar or not. While I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the outcome of the bar exam, it does not keep me from worrying. I'm working on the whole letting go thing, but that is incredibly difficult. And the increased anxiety that started around bar prep has not diminished with the start of the new job. I had almost no down time between the two, and my anxieties just shifted topic. Instead of being concerned about the bar, the shouting demons of doubt and anxiety just switched to new job and finances. Things were very tight right before I got my first paycheck, which made all the old tapes about finances start looping. Add in worry about others (sister whom I live with needed to have her gallbladder out--she's doing very well and recovering nicely) and a nasty cold, and you have a recipe for one very overwhelmed Manda. So when my doctor stated that I was not doing as well as he would like and that in most cases when patients like myself are not doing so well that diet is the culprit, I took it as criticism and burst into frustrated tears.
After our discussion we decided that perhaps I should increase my effexor to twice per day. I was also reminded that I am to take the Nystatin after food, otherwise I am more likely to experience nausea from it. I had been taking it with my tetracycline (because it was easier to remember to take all the pills at once) which is to be taken 20-30 minutes before eating. He wants me to look more closely at my diet, because sometimes things sneak in and ingredients change. Apparently dairy is not really allowed, but I had somehow convinced myself that it was. So now I'm trying to wean the dairy out. On the plus side a friend of mine found some unsweetened chocolate soy milk that doesn't taste unbearable. So I have an alternative for coffee creamer. We also had a discussion about balancing the rigors of treatment against quality/enjoyment of life. So we're going to see how the Effexor adjustment does, I'm going to reexamine my diet, and we'll check back in a week regarding the mood issues and three weeks regarding overall feeling (fatigue, pain, etc). If I'm not feeling perkier in three weeks we're going to re-check thyroid, iron, and folate to make sure those aren't acting up again (my last numbers for all of those were good).
I'm still tired and run down and a little anxious, but it does feel that my mood is starting to lift a little. I have to remind myself that Effexor adjustments take time to be noticeable. I am working on being as understanding of myself as I am of others. This is not easy. I am proud of myself for some of the self-care things I have done though, including changing my plans so that I can stay home and rest. I also bought two things that felt frivolous but were not: 1) a memory foam pillow (you have to air it out for several days before using it, but I have loved it otherwise); and 2)a Kindle Paperwhite e-reader. I had a first gen Kindle Fire, but I found I used my phone and laptop for computer things and most reading. It was also slightly heavier than I was comfortable holding for long periods of time. So I gave it to a friend who also has Lyme, but does not have a laptop. She has gotten way more use out of it that I was getting. I have been reading via the Kindle app on my phone at lunch time, but the screen is small and the glare can be annoying especially under the fluorescent lights. So after much thought, and the receipt of my first paycheck, I bought myself a Kindle Paperwhite. I'm really liking it so far. And my protective cover arrived today, so now I can start carrying it with me.
Some good things:
If I have spoons I may go see the new Captain America movie this weekend, because it looks awesome and well worth paying theater prices for.
My appointment with my Lyme doc was frustrating and upsetting. I have been very overwhelmed and stressed between new job and worrying about whether I passed the bar or not. While I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change the outcome of the bar exam, it does not keep me from worrying. I'm working on the whole letting go thing, but that is incredibly difficult. And the increased anxiety that started around bar prep has not diminished with the start of the new job. I had almost no down time between the two, and my anxieties just shifted topic. Instead of being concerned about the bar, the shouting demons of doubt and anxiety just switched to new job and finances. Things were very tight right before I got my first paycheck, which made all the old tapes about finances start looping. Add in worry about others (sister whom I live with needed to have her gallbladder out--she's doing very well and recovering nicely) and a nasty cold, and you have a recipe for one very overwhelmed Manda. So when my doctor stated that I was not doing as well as he would like and that in most cases when patients like myself are not doing so well that diet is the culprit, I took it as criticism and burst into frustrated tears.
After our discussion we decided that perhaps I should increase my effexor to twice per day. I was also reminded that I am to take the Nystatin after food, otherwise I am more likely to experience nausea from it. I had been taking it with my tetracycline (because it was easier to remember to take all the pills at once) which is to be taken 20-30 minutes before eating. He wants me to look more closely at my diet, because sometimes things sneak in and ingredients change. Apparently dairy is not really allowed, but I had somehow convinced myself that it was. So now I'm trying to wean the dairy out. On the plus side a friend of mine found some unsweetened chocolate soy milk that doesn't taste unbearable. So I have an alternative for coffee creamer. We also had a discussion about balancing the rigors of treatment against quality/enjoyment of life. So we're going to see how the Effexor adjustment does, I'm going to reexamine my diet, and we'll check back in a week regarding the mood issues and three weeks regarding overall feeling (fatigue, pain, etc). If I'm not feeling perkier in three weeks we're going to re-check thyroid, iron, and folate to make sure those aren't acting up again (my last numbers for all of those were good).
I'm still tired and run down and a little anxious, but it does feel that my mood is starting to lift a little. I have to remind myself that Effexor adjustments take time to be noticeable. I am working on being as understanding of myself as I am of others. This is not easy. I am proud of myself for some of the self-care things I have done though, including changing my plans so that I can stay home and rest. I also bought two things that felt frivolous but were not: 1) a memory foam pillow (you have to air it out for several days before using it, but I have loved it otherwise); and 2)a Kindle Paperwhite e-reader. I had a first gen Kindle Fire, but I found I used my phone and laptop for computer things and most reading. It was also slightly heavier than I was comfortable holding for long periods of time. So I gave it to a friend who also has Lyme, but does not have a laptop. She has gotten way more use out of it that I was getting. I have been reading via the Kindle app on my phone at lunch time, but the screen is small and the glare can be annoying especially under the fluorescent lights. So after much thought, and the receipt of my first paycheck, I bought myself a Kindle Paperwhite. I'm really liking it so far. And my protective cover arrived today, so now I can start carrying it with me.
Some good things:
- Getting to spend time with Vermont family
- My teenage niece and nephew wanting to spend time with me, and getting to have wonderful meandering discussions with them
- Re-reading a favorite book (will try to find spoons to post about it separately)
- Flowers (the pollen may make me sneeze, but seeing color is lovely)
- The many amazing posts at
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
poetree this week
If I have spoons I may go see the new Captain America movie this weekend, because it looks awesome and well worth paying theater prices for.
no subject
Date: 2014-04-05 04:13 am (UTC)Hang in there, you really are doing great, even though you feel down at the moment. Enjoy reading your book and I hope you have a nice, restful weekend and can collect a few more spoons. :) *sending all of the positive, supportive vibes and virtual hugs I can your way*
P.S. I have faith that you passed the bar with flying colors!
no subject
Date: 2014-04-05 04:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-04-05 02:15 pm (UTC)I hope things continue to get better for you. <3 *good thoughts*
no subject
Date: 2014-04-05 10:37 pm (UTC)