What a week (long post is long)
Jul. 19th, 2014 09:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alee_grrlI'm doing so-so. Tired and a bit out of it, but better than I was earlier in the week. I am not always sure what to include in content/trigger warnings. Please know that you can always tell me if something triggers you or you would prefer something go under a cut tag for any reason.
When this last week started I was not feeling all that well and had not been feeling that great for a bit. Took me about a week and a half and a call to my doc to determine that the most likely culprit was my antidepressant. I had to increase my dosage in the time before and after the Bar exam as the stress of that experience was too much for my body to cope with on its own. Now that my body is adjusting again and the Lyme treatment is progressing again (instead of being on hold) the higher dose resulted in an adverse reaction. Of course it takes a bit to figure out because the symptoms are the same as many other potential problems (increased fatigue, weakness (feeling like the gravity got turned up), dizziness and vertigo, sleep disruption, itchy/crawly skin sensations, increased heart rate, more noticeable roaring in ears). I hadn't increased antibiotics recently, and my diet has been good. So that ruled out herxing and yeast. I didn't feel like someone had set my internal thermostat to high, which ruled out too much thyroid. Conversely I wasn't feeling like it was winter and I had no coat, which ruled out too little thyroid. My doc had worried that I would start reacting to the Effexor, and the symptoms were similar to the last time I reacted to it. So we lowered the dose.
It takes a few days to notice much of a difference, and I was feeling poorly enough that I stayed home from work for a couple of days to flush out the toxins. I've been assured numerous times by higher ups (including the owners of the company) that they understand I am sick and need to take time off more frequently, and that they are impressed with my work and definitely find me valuable despite my illness. This did not keep the demons of doubt from spinning into high gear when I get an email Wednesday evening that yet another person has been fired from my team. So my team has gone from 7 people to 3 in about a month (3 firings and one transfer to another department). I'm super happy for the co-worker who transferred to another department as it is a much better fit for their skills. They are completely reorganizing my department, and those who have gone were all the management of the department. The reorg was desperately needed, but that kind of change is disconcerting at best and terrifying at worst. I was reassured by several folks that my job is not in jeopardy and that everyone is very happy with me. I'm trying to hold onto cautious optimism. I really do think that the changes will be good for both me and the company in the long run and that I will be doing things I prefer instead of wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be doing and feeling way out of my depth.
The biggest WTF moment of the week for me though came during a conversation with my dad last Saturday. He mentioned that my mother spoke to him on Father's Day, making this the second time since Christmas that she has reached out to him. To many this would not be anything about which to be bothered, concerned, or weirded out. So some brief background.
My parents divorced when I was 14, which means they divorced 20 years ago. They had been married for 20 years, and it was a marriage fraught with violence and strife. Neither of parents was particularly sane or healthy at the time. My father was an addict and an alcoholic, and my mother has untreated and unacknowledged (by herself) PTSD and other issues. My mother was actually the more abusive and toxic of the two. They have not spoken since my college graduation in 2003 (so more than 10 years ago). My mother has lived with my brother pretty much that whole time. So her asking to speak to my father during my brother's call to my dad could have happened anytime in the last ten years. Yet my mother made no overtures until last Christmas, when she sent him cookies and fudge. Now she's asking to talk to him on Father's Day.
It could be that she really has changed and that she misses him, but I am wary. I am particularly suspicious that this started after my paternal Grandmother passed and my father inherited her property and savings. This is a woman who abused me in numerous ways, had no concept of boundaries, and gaslit me six ways from Sunday. I have not spoken with her since December 2003. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made and I still doubt my own perceptions of reality and whether I made the right decision. But to be honest I doubt not be alive nor doing half so well if she were still in my life. Since their final divorce (they'd separated and gotten back together numerous times) my father has never trusted another woman (he tells me I don't count because in his head I'll always be his little girl). He didn't even trust his own mother that much. She was pretty much his first and only love as far as I know. He is still madly in love with her in many ways, and I worry that he will forget the worst of the past and go back. I know he is lonely. Part of me is terrified that he will get back together with her. All I can do is tell him how much I value my relationship with him, and that encourage him to be wary. I'd appreciate a few less curve balls universe.
For those wondering, Z is doing quite well and coming back into her own as a dog. My sister has been doing amazing amounts of work with her (training in morning and evening every day--and throughout the day when opportunity presents itself). When I have spoons I do some training with her too. We've had great fun doing the ping-pong game where my sister and I sit on opposite sides of a room and practice here, sit, wait and find. She is starting to show more of her own personality, and she is going to fit right in with the rest of the family--she's smart and got a stubborn streak a mile wide. She's comfortable enough that we have to watch her or she'll swipe the cat's wet food at dinner (she used to be too scared to approach the cat when he was eating). We've found a good trainer to come in and work one on one with Z and my niece when niece returns from her dad's in early August. This will help niece bond with Z and make everyone worry less about niece walking Z. Seventy-pounds of muscle can pull an unsuspecting 13 year old off her feet pretty quickly (hell a seventy-pound dog can pull a full-grown adult off their feet if they aren't careful).
So that is what is going on in my world. All in all I'm doing okay, which is not so bad considering. I'm happy that I'm even remotely functioning. I'm super thankful for having the most-awesome support network and friendships even if I haven't felt much like talking to anyone this week. I know they're there, and that makes a world of difference.
When this last week started I was not feeling all that well and had not been feeling that great for a bit. Took me about a week and a half and a call to my doc to determine that the most likely culprit was my antidepressant. I had to increase my dosage in the time before and after the Bar exam as the stress of that experience was too much for my body to cope with on its own. Now that my body is adjusting again and the Lyme treatment is progressing again (instead of being on hold) the higher dose resulted in an adverse reaction. Of course it takes a bit to figure out because the symptoms are the same as many other potential problems (increased fatigue, weakness (feeling like the gravity got turned up), dizziness and vertigo, sleep disruption, itchy/crawly skin sensations, increased heart rate, more noticeable roaring in ears). I hadn't increased antibiotics recently, and my diet has been good. So that ruled out herxing and yeast. I didn't feel like someone had set my internal thermostat to high, which ruled out too much thyroid. Conversely I wasn't feeling like it was winter and I had no coat, which ruled out too little thyroid. My doc had worried that I would start reacting to the Effexor, and the symptoms were similar to the last time I reacted to it. So we lowered the dose.
It takes a few days to notice much of a difference, and I was feeling poorly enough that I stayed home from work for a couple of days to flush out the toxins. I've been assured numerous times by higher ups (including the owners of the company) that they understand I am sick and need to take time off more frequently, and that they are impressed with my work and definitely find me valuable despite my illness. This did not keep the demons of doubt from spinning into high gear when I get an email Wednesday evening that yet another person has been fired from my team. So my team has gone from 7 people to 3 in about a month (3 firings and one transfer to another department). I'm super happy for the co-worker who transferred to another department as it is a much better fit for their skills. They are completely reorganizing my department, and those who have gone were all the management of the department. The reorg was desperately needed, but that kind of change is disconcerting at best and terrifying at worst. I was reassured by several folks that my job is not in jeopardy and that everyone is very happy with me. I'm trying to hold onto cautious optimism. I really do think that the changes will be good for both me and the company in the long run and that I will be doing things I prefer instead of wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be doing and feeling way out of my depth.
The biggest WTF moment of the week for me though came during a conversation with my dad last Saturday. He mentioned that my mother spoke to him on Father's Day, making this the second time since Christmas that she has reached out to him. To many this would not be anything about which to be bothered, concerned, or weirded out. So some brief background.
My parents divorced when I was 14, which means they divorced 20 years ago. They had been married for 20 years, and it was a marriage fraught with violence and strife. Neither of parents was particularly sane or healthy at the time. My father was an addict and an alcoholic, and my mother has untreated and unacknowledged (by herself) PTSD and other issues. My mother was actually the more abusive and toxic of the two. They have not spoken since my college graduation in 2003 (so more than 10 years ago). My mother has lived with my brother pretty much that whole time. So her asking to speak to my father during my brother's call to my dad could have happened anytime in the last ten years. Yet my mother made no overtures until last Christmas, when she sent him cookies and fudge. Now she's asking to talk to him on Father's Day.
It could be that she really has changed and that she misses him, but I am wary. I am particularly suspicious that this started after my paternal Grandmother passed and my father inherited her property and savings. This is a woman who abused me in numerous ways, had no concept of boundaries, and gaslit me six ways from Sunday. I have not spoken with her since December 2003. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made and I still doubt my own perceptions of reality and whether I made the right decision. But to be honest I doubt not be alive nor doing half so well if she were still in my life. Since their final divorce (they'd separated and gotten back together numerous times) my father has never trusted another woman (he tells me I don't count because in his head I'll always be his little girl). He didn't even trust his own mother that much. She was pretty much his first and only love as far as I know. He is still madly in love with her in many ways, and I worry that he will forget the worst of the past and go back. I know he is lonely. Part of me is terrified that he will get back together with her. All I can do is tell him how much I value my relationship with him, and that encourage him to be wary. I'd appreciate a few less curve balls universe.
For those wondering, Z is doing quite well and coming back into her own as a dog. My sister has been doing amazing amounts of work with her (training in morning and evening every day--and throughout the day when opportunity presents itself). When I have spoons I do some training with her too. We've had great fun doing the ping-pong game where my sister and I sit on opposite sides of a room and practice here, sit, wait and find. She is starting to show more of her own personality, and she is going to fit right in with the rest of the family--she's smart and got a stubborn streak a mile wide. She's comfortable enough that we have to watch her or she'll swipe the cat's wet food at dinner (she used to be too scared to approach the cat when he was eating). We've found a good trainer to come in and work one on one with Z and my niece when niece returns from her dad's in early August. This will help niece bond with Z and make everyone worry less about niece walking Z. Seventy-pounds of muscle can pull an unsuspecting 13 year old off her feet pretty quickly (hell a seventy-pound dog can pull a full-grown adult off their feet if they aren't careful).
So that is what is going on in my world. All in all I'm doing okay, which is not so bad considering. I'm happy that I'm even remotely functioning. I'm super thankful for having the most-awesome support network and friendships even if I haven't felt much like talking to anyone this week. I know they're there, and that makes a world of difference.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-21 02:35 am (UTC)Here's hoping that whatever the cause of your current bout of unwellness, it goes away soon. I hope things settle down at work soon so that you can have less stress, which is one likely source of trouble.
It's good to hear that Z is doing so well. :)
8-< Oh yeah, the alarm bells are ringing like mad hearing about your Dad's situation (too similar to my own and that of more than a few friends). Caution and wariness are definitely warranted. Whatever your Dad decides, I hope things work out for the best for him, and the rest of your family.
*sending supportive and healing vibes your way, as well as more virtual hugs*
no subject
Date: 2014-07-21 12:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-21 02:43 am (UTC)much sympathy on all the "interesting" the Universe has been throwing at you. *thinks good thoughts*
yay for Z! it sounds like your family and she are both really lucky to have found each other.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-21 12:11 pm (UTC)<3
no subject
Date: 2014-07-22 10:31 am (UTC)I'm not really sure what "okay" looks like for you. Are you getting a chance to relax and do things you enjoy? Or is it challenge enough getting through the day? I can't imagine flushing toxins in any form is fun.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-22 11:26 pm (UTC)My personal scale of coping/not coping with 1 being the best and 10 being the worst:
1. Hot damn. The universe is awesome and amazing and so am I.
2. Great. Life is good, and I've got lots of spoons and coping skills to spare.
3. Good. Very little pain, decent energy, much easier to see the brighter side of things and a lot harder to knock me for a loop.
4. Fine. A nice middle of the road sort of state. Not great but not bad.
5. Fine-ish. Things are brighter and my coping skills are less challenged, but still some pain, fatigue, and/or bleh feelings around the edges.
6. Okay. Found most of my coping skills. Start seeing more hope and brighter days. Can more easily find optimistic point of view.
7. Lesser bleh. Have slightly more cope but feel like a zombie.
8. Bleh. Coping slightly better but any little thing can set me off course.
9. Hide in blanket cocoon. I am barely coping and would like the world to leave me alone for a bit.
10. Ah, f*ck. I am out of cope and cannot deal.
no subject
Date: 2014-07-23 06:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-07-23 12:06 pm (UTC)