Anxiety off the starboard bow, Captain

[alee_grrl]

I am sitting here, awake much later than I should be, drinking a cup of unsweetened chocolate soy milk and attempting to calm my brain and body's anxiety response via humor and journaling (and some form of calories that is not likely to add to the anxiety nausea). I do not have my glasses on and have taken my bed-time meds. So if this makes little sense or contains huge typos, I apologize. But typing is helping me calm down. So typing it is.


Tonight's anxiety trip has been brought to me by increasingly strange noises in my car and things not acting quite right and the realization that I need to move from "vaguely thinking of buying a new car" to "buying a new car within the next month or even the next two weeks."

Background: I have a 2003 Saturn Ion with a shit-ton of miles on it (over 317,000 miles). It has been an excellent car and done well by me and my father (who was the only owner prior to me). Both of us have taken good care of it, and so it has only needed routine maintenance. But most of the miles put on it were highway miles and country driving, not stop and go city driving. Stop and go city driving is much harder on a poor vehicle, and my poor Saturn is having a hard time coping. I had her transmission fluid flushed last year, but she's once again starting have problems with over-revving/not changing gears at the right moment. Then there have been little noises and shifts. Today I could hear a growling noise that increased whenever I put pressure on the accelerator. From what my father could tell me (he was a mechanic and is very familiar with the Saturn Ion) the problems/noises I'm describing sound like sever potential problems combined: water pump could be going out; timing belt could be going out; transmission could be going out. Of these the water pump (if it was just that and nothing else) would be the least expensive, but the other things are going to come up needing to be fixed too simply because I'm hitting the kind of mileage where those things have to be replaced.

So I could take it into a shop, see if my father's hunches are right, and get an estimate of what needs to be done. Chances are that the repairs would cost me between 1800 and 2000. The car itself is worth about 550 Blue Book (the exterior isn't in great condition and the car has a lot of mileage). But I could pay the money to fix this car and hope that it gets me another few years.

Or I could acknowledge that I'm actually in a decent place to take on a car payment right now, and look into getting a newer car. I'm leaning towards a Suburu Impreza because while they may be pricier they get good rating for reliability, safety, and gas mileage. I have a little more research to do to make sure that I am well armed for negotiation (I will not be going alone, but with my sister who is also in the market for a new vehicle).

In the meantime I have to control my brain weasels and mitigate the physical reaction to anxiety. Thankfully I had an appointment with my counselor today, who reminded me that not only can I draw upon my resources (friends/chosen family, scary research ability, etc), but that I can also take a break during the negotiations at any time, or walk altogether. I'll have someone else with me (who can read me very well even when I'm trying not to broadcast everything I feel), and she can keep an eye out for those moments when I need a break for water/coffee/snack/etc.. I do actually have negotiating skills, even if I do not always have the spoons to use them properly. And just because I know that I would like to get this done in the next few weeks, doesn't mean they need to know that.

Typing this out seems to have helped calm the terror-induced brain freeze, anxiety-feedback loop that was threatening to kick in. So yay! Mission accomplished.

Advice, hugs, good thoughts, and whatnot are all accepted. A case of whatnot can be very amusing afterall, and if it contains a few extra spoons then all the better, because i am so going to need all the brain and emotional spoons I can find and borrow on Saturday. Sunday I will sleep.

Comments

[sulien]

Sending loads of positive vibes and virtual hugs your way for the moment, as I'm not coherent myself (strep throat, fever & general goofiness). Shopping for a new vehicle can actually be fun, especially if you have some idea what you want to have in a vehicle and do your research on the various ones and their strengths & weaknesses, as well as what they are actually worth and what the dealer's profit margin is likely to be. I hope you get to have some fun with this one! On an alternate tac, I hope you fee well and have a lot of spoons to use during the car search. *sending lots of germ/virus free positive vibes & virtual hugs*

[alee_grrl]

Gentle hugs and healing vibes to you as well. Strep throat is no fun at all.

[calissa]

I find shopping for big items--such as a car--to be super stressful, so you have my sympathies.

*offers tea*

[alee_grrl]

Tea is very welcome. I am feeling a bit better after having a mechanic confirm that there really is no saving the old girl. They didn't charge me an arm and leg either for the diagnostic either and were very upfront with telling me that my poor old car would likely get me home and to a dealer but not much farther. So that was nice. I am able to work from home for the next couple of days while I get everything sorted. So overall I am very blessed.

[calissa]

You're sounding like you're in a reasonably good mindframe, so that is a definite positive. <3

[lynnoconnacht]

*hugs and good thoughts*

[alee_grrl]

Thank you.

[breezeshadow]

I know that feeling painfully well -- I had a 2000 Ford Taurus that I'm pretty sure was kept in the Connecticut River. While my mother was visiting, only five months into me having this car, I felt the brake pedal suddenly give way beneath my foot. I was able to get home and still drive it, but I would have to put the pedal straight to the floor to get it to brake.

At that point I went "Haha, NO" and got another car, but it was so nervewracking since the insurance went up and I technically couldn't afford it until I got a surprise raise. And so I'm fine now, and the 2011 Toyota Corolla is way better than the Ford, but yes. Best of luck, and hope you are able to find something great.

[alee_grrl]

Thanks. We're going to the dealership tomorrow. I've done a lot of research this past week and decided that I want a Subaru Impreza. They're well-rated cars for safety and reliability and hold their value better than many other makes of car. After continuing my research, and talking it out with a ton of people, I'm leaning towards leasing rather than buying at the moment. My current life is fairly low mileage (lots of time in the car, but stuck in city traffic rather than driving a long distance), and I have neither children nor dogs. We might be getting a dog, but my sister would be the primary caretaker and her vehicle would be the one used for transport. Of course all the logic in the world is just barely keeping the anxiety from eating my brain.

[breezeshadow]

My father has leased cars for years and generally never had a problem. Like you, he's low mileage and while he does have children and a cat, grown children and cats aren't known for making TOO much mess. And I know how anxiety tends to be -- all the logic in the world just gets met with a ">:|" *tea, hugs, and chocolate as wanted/needed*

[alee_grrl]

Thank you.