Weird Realizations
Feb. 17th, 2011 05:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alee_grrlHad the weirdest realization last night. I was thinking about why I've been having so much trouble with my depression and general health since I started law school. It's been a bit like riding a roller coaster. I do great for a while, and then, bam, I'm back at the bottom struggling to just get out of bed and face life. I've fallen back into some old bad habits (missing class, not caring, eating way too much junk food and generally not taking very good care of myself)...habits I haven't had about a year or two after I finished college (so about five/six years now). It took me too years to break those habits, and now that I'm back in school they are popping back up again. After thinking about it a lot, I realized that the trigger seems to be school itself. The routines of school and the pattern of study seems to have recalled these old habits that I thought I had gotten over.
So the next question is, how do I break the habits again. I'm trying to remember how I broke them in the first place, but for the life of me can't figure it out. I think part of the problem may be brain chemistry, and part just old behavior programs being triggered. My current gp has been less than helpful, and I've been running on autopilot, which makes it rather difficult to articulate what the problems really are. I'm not that great at asking for help and hate to do so, but I realize that I am at the point where I really need to ask for help. So I am trying to schedule a few new appointments: one with the Dean of Academic Affairs to discuss a reduced course load; one with a psychiatrist. I'm hoping that by going back to a psychiatrist, as opposed to a counselor, I can improve both the brain chemistry and the behavior issues. The next step is to find a new gp, but there is only so much I can take on without feeling more overwhelmed and succumbing to brain-freezing anxiety attacks. Another thing I need to do is schedule an appointment with the professor of the class I've missed the most of, however just the thought causes me to panic a bit. I suppose because acknowledging the fact that I've missed her class so often makes me feel like a failure.
Depression is such a nasty spiral. Something goes wrong and triggers the depression. Then you get mad at yourself for being depressed, because life doesn't revolve around you and there are much bigger problems in the world. You feel like you should be able to just buck up and get over it. The anger feeds the depression...which feeds the anger, etc. It's hard to be logical and remember things that combat these feelings.
For all the anti-depressants out there, depression is still not talked about very much. The common perception seems to be that the pills are a complete cure. They often help, but they don't fix things completely (at least not in my experience). Since body chemistry changes over time what worked at one time may not work at another. Knowing that others are going through the same thing does help. I had a few conversations with other students today about the issue and it definitely helped.
If you've never suffered from depression it can be hard to understand. It is an all consuming problem. It chokes the mind and numbs the emotion. It makes you question all the things you've accomplished and shines doubts on everything you do. You end up feeling trapped by your own thoughts, and it can be very difficult to think about anything at all. Not being able to think makes it infinitely harder to seek help, and help is crucial in finding a way out of the darkness.
I write about these things for several reasons. One, it helps me think through the problem and process my actual feelings and thoughts, which often feel numbed or non-existent when I'm suffering a depressive episode. Two, I think that having personal accounts of depressive episodes and the problems that come with them might help others who either have similar problems or have loved ones with similar problems. If you have never experienced depression perhaps my little notes will help you better understand the illness. If you have had similar experiences then perhaps these notes will comfort you with the knowledge that you are not alone. Though the days may be hard many others struggle right beside you.
So the next question is, how do I break the habits again. I'm trying to remember how I broke them in the first place, but for the life of me can't figure it out. I think part of the problem may be brain chemistry, and part just old behavior programs being triggered. My current gp has been less than helpful, and I've been running on autopilot, which makes it rather difficult to articulate what the problems really are. I'm not that great at asking for help and hate to do so, but I realize that I am at the point where I really need to ask for help. So I am trying to schedule a few new appointments: one with the Dean of Academic Affairs to discuss a reduced course load; one with a psychiatrist. I'm hoping that by going back to a psychiatrist, as opposed to a counselor, I can improve both the brain chemistry and the behavior issues. The next step is to find a new gp, but there is only so much I can take on without feeling more overwhelmed and succumbing to brain-freezing anxiety attacks. Another thing I need to do is schedule an appointment with the professor of the class I've missed the most of, however just the thought causes me to panic a bit. I suppose because acknowledging the fact that I've missed her class so often makes me feel like a failure.
Depression is such a nasty spiral. Something goes wrong and triggers the depression. Then you get mad at yourself for being depressed, because life doesn't revolve around you and there are much bigger problems in the world. You feel like you should be able to just buck up and get over it. The anger feeds the depression...which feeds the anger, etc. It's hard to be logical and remember things that combat these feelings.
For all the anti-depressants out there, depression is still not talked about very much. The common perception seems to be that the pills are a complete cure. They often help, but they don't fix things completely (at least not in my experience). Since body chemistry changes over time what worked at one time may not work at another. Knowing that others are going through the same thing does help. I had a few conversations with other students today about the issue and it definitely helped.
If you've never suffered from depression it can be hard to understand. It is an all consuming problem. It chokes the mind and numbs the emotion. It makes you question all the things you've accomplished and shines doubts on everything you do. You end up feeling trapped by your own thoughts, and it can be very difficult to think about anything at all. Not being able to think makes it infinitely harder to seek help, and help is crucial in finding a way out of the darkness.
I write about these things for several reasons. One, it helps me think through the problem and process my actual feelings and thoughts, which often feel numbed or non-existent when I'm suffering a depressive episode. Two, I think that having personal accounts of depressive episodes and the problems that come with them might help others who either have similar problems or have loved ones with similar problems. If you have never experienced depression perhaps my little notes will help you better understand the illness. If you have had similar experiences then perhaps these notes will comfort you with the knowledge that you are not alone. Though the days may be hard many others struggle right beside you.
no subject
Date: 2011-02-18 01:32 am (UTC)Anyway, I just wanted to stop in and give you a virtual hug and tell you that I'm in your corner pulling for you. ***hug***
no subject
Date: 2011-02-18 01:36 am (UTC)