A lil bit farther down memory lane

So this is the last of the old poems that I found. It was written in the fall of 2002, making it just shy of ten years old. This one is even darker than the others, having been written during a time when I was just starting to realize the depths of my anger (at my life/circumstances, etc). I was a semester away from graduating with my Bachelor's degree and had begun plans to flee the area and my family there. That close to leaving, I was realizing just how caged I felt. There was so much that I felt I couldn't say for fear of the consequences. This poem grew out of those frustrations. And so I present to you, "Silently Screaming."

Silently Screaming

Your verbal ejaculate washes around me, over me,
tinted with red anger and black fear. Body frozen, my
mind stumbles, clinging to any thoughts that flit by.
My mouth opens to spill passion
words back at you. Words throttled by some
sliver of self that still wishes to wrap its arms around you.
Crescent marked palms sweat; eyes shine too brightly.
And I stand silently screaming
amidst a stream of words that bruise me, bleed me.
Passions spent, your footsteps echo down the street.
And I am left bleeding invisibly, wondering
if I will always be silently screaming.

B- is an ok grade, right?

So one class has posted grades so far. I got a B- on my Contracts final. Part of me feels like I should be really happy with this grade as I was worried about this final. It was my first law school final, it was closed book, and I had missed quite a few classes due to depression and fibro flares. But my Hermione tendencies are screaming at me that this just ins't good enough. I have spent a great deal of time trying to convince myself that a B average is fine, but I've never had less than a 3.0 and rarely less than a 3.5 GPA and if I get one C I might just find myself with a lower GPA than I've ever had.

While intellectually I know that grades are less important that actual skills, and I have actual skills aplenty, part of me has been trained to see grades as a marker of accomplishment and getting less than a 3.5 is a sign of failure. It's ridiculous, but the thought of it has my gut in knots.

So I am trying to acknowledge that this is an old routine, or old programing if you will, and that it isn't a valid program anymore. I remind myself that I have lots of skills and am a great asset in an office. This is all much easier said than done though.

I think I'll distract myself with some cleaning. That is at least one way to feel accomplished. :)