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alee_grrlJust before the move I had gotten to a point in life and treatment where I was fairly certain of my own ability level and when to say "I don't think I'm going to have the spoons for that." I lived alone, which had its downsides as well as its perks, and my schedule was very flexible.
I may have made the mistake of thinking that because I had it figured out there, I would also have it figured out here, completely forgetting that the two situations are absolutely different and the daily spoon requirements and tasks were also going to be absolutely different. I have been trying to re-learn my own boundaries, and it is not always easy. Add in two antibiotics that affect the neurological aspects of Lyme, including the depression, anxiety, dizziness, and brain fog, and life is a wee bit frustrating at the moment. The duo will make those symptoms much better in the long run, but in the short run it makes them much worse. Lyme treatment works a lot like cleaning your house. It always gets way messier before you're done. ::headdesk::
So I went from having a very flexible schedule where my friends assured me I worked 40 hours a week or more, but it never felt like I did because I did those hours in bits and pieces, to having to do those 40 hours in 8 hour blocks (with a 40 min to an hour commute on each end). Plus the whole stress that comes with working versus school. School is stressful, but in a different way for me. In school I am mostly competing with myself and I felt like I had a bit of a safety net in my student loan funding. I knew that if I missed a class I could still pull a good grade and keep my funding, etc. I know that if I miss work, especially if I miss work frequently, I will loose my job. Right now it is an internship, and I am hoping to impress them enough that they hire me on when I am done. This makes for a very different type of stress, and I have to frequently watch for active brain demons and their distractions ("they're having a meeting and look all serious...they're going to fire you").
Brain demons are illogical, very self-centered things. But they are loud, insistent, and very, very distracting. The little buggers can stir up an anxiety storm like nothing else. I've gotten better at battling them. I try to use deep breathing techniques, and logical points ("they just picked up a big case; they wouldn't be putting so much time and effort into your training if they were going to fire you"), and I will sometimes ask for a third party verification that the brain demons are being active again. That step is harder because it can trigger more brain demons. Because asking for help, or admitting that you are worrying about your job, your usefulness, your ability to contribute, etc, makes the brain demons go "food!!!!" They then laugh manically and point out that this sort of weakness is exactly what they were talking about in the first place.
Brain demons make moving back in with others after living on your own very difficult. My sister has been wonderful and it is amazing having someone else to help with the various household tasks that I was having to either do myself or live with them not being done. But the insidious brain demons like to insist that she is going to decide I'm too neurotic to live with. However, I have owned up to this worry and we've talked about it. While it doesn't smash the demons, it does give me a direction to point them in and take away some of their potency. Today we are having some folks come over and help move her stuff out of her old office so that we can convert it into a room for me. We will pick up the rest of my stuff when we go to Vermont at the end of August to visit the rest of the clan. Knowing I'm going to have my own space also helps.
Things that I have to work on adjusting too, and work on being kind to myself about: working 40 hours all in a row, plus the drive, is going to leave me worn out and tired for a while; the heat is going to leave me worn out and tired for a while, and add to my nausea problems; running out of spoons early in and event and missing the performance me and my sister actually paid to see is okay, and understandable, and there is absolutely no need to be mad at myself for this. Mad at the Lyme and the situation, sure, myself no. I also need to focus on the fact that despite me running out of spoons early, we did have a good time. We ate at a yummy Afgan Kebob place (and I was good and did not eat the very yummy looking flatbread), and enjoyed the djs who managed the music before the bands went on. There was also excellent people watching. I got to meet Voltaire, the artist we went to see perform. I got a photo with him, an autographed CD, and a very soft and cuddly "Pony of Doom".
So anyway, that's what is going on with me. I apologize for not being around much. It will probably be a little while before I figure out proper spoon management for this new part of my life.
I may have made the mistake of thinking that because I had it figured out there, I would also have it figured out here, completely forgetting that the two situations are absolutely different and the daily spoon requirements and tasks were also going to be absolutely different. I have been trying to re-learn my own boundaries, and it is not always easy. Add in two antibiotics that affect the neurological aspects of Lyme, including the depression, anxiety, dizziness, and brain fog, and life is a wee bit frustrating at the moment. The duo will make those symptoms much better in the long run, but in the short run it makes them much worse. Lyme treatment works a lot like cleaning your house. It always gets way messier before you're done. ::headdesk::
So I went from having a very flexible schedule where my friends assured me I worked 40 hours a week or more, but it never felt like I did because I did those hours in bits and pieces, to having to do those 40 hours in 8 hour blocks (with a 40 min to an hour commute on each end). Plus the whole stress that comes with working versus school. School is stressful, but in a different way for me. In school I am mostly competing with myself and I felt like I had a bit of a safety net in my student loan funding. I knew that if I missed a class I could still pull a good grade and keep my funding, etc. I know that if I miss work, especially if I miss work frequently, I will loose my job. Right now it is an internship, and I am hoping to impress them enough that they hire me on when I am done. This makes for a very different type of stress, and I have to frequently watch for active brain demons and their distractions ("they're having a meeting and look all serious...they're going to fire you").
Brain demons are illogical, very self-centered things. But they are loud, insistent, and very, very distracting. The little buggers can stir up an anxiety storm like nothing else. I've gotten better at battling them. I try to use deep breathing techniques, and logical points ("they just picked up a big case; they wouldn't be putting so much time and effort into your training if they were going to fire you"), and I will sometimes ask for a third party verification that the brain demons are being active again. That step is harder because it can trigger more brain demons. Because asking for help, or admitting that you are worrying about your job, your usefulness, your ability to contribute, etc, makes the brain demons go "food!!!!" They then laugh manically and point out that this sort of weakness is exactly what they were talking about in the first place.
Brain demons make moving back in with others after living on your own very difficult. My sister has been wonderful and it is amazing having someone else to help with the various household tasks that I was having to either do myself or live with them not being done. But the insidious brain demons like to insist that she is going to decide I'm too neurotic to live with. However, I have owned up to this worry and we've talked about it. While it doesn't smash the demons, it does give me a direction to point them in and take away some of their potency. Today we are having some folks come over and help move her stuff out of her old office so that we can convert it into a room for me. We will pick up the rest of my stuff when we go to Vermont at the end of August to visit the rest of the clan. Knowing I'm going to have my own space also helps.
Things that I have to work on adjusting too, and work on being kind to myself about: working 40 hours all in a row, plus the drive, is going to leave me worn out and tired for a while; the heat is going to leave me worn out and tired for a while, and add to my nausea problems; running out of spoons early in and event and missing the performance me and my sister actually paid to see is okay, and understandable, and there is absolutely no need to be mad at myself for this. Mad at the Lyme and the situation, sure, myself no. I also need to focus on the fact that despite me running out of spoons early, we did have a good time. We ate at a yummy Afgan Kebob place (and I was good and did not eat the very yummy looking flatbread), and enjoyed the djs who managed the music before the bands went on. There was also excellent people watching. I got to meet Voltaire, the artist we went to see perform. I got a photo with him, an autographed CD, and a very soft and cuddly "Pony of Doom".
So anyway, that's what is going on with me. I apologize for not being around much. It will probably be a little while before I figure out proper spoon management for this new part of my life.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-06 03:48 pm (UTC)It's lovely to hear from you and get an update! <3
no subject
Date: 2013-07-07 12:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-06 04:01 pm (UTC)Take care of yourself, and I hope you feel better soon.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-07 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-06 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-07 12:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-07-08 08:50 pm (UTC)You are such an amazing person. You're not only amazingly self-aware, but also able to use that awareness to deal with your issues in a positive manner, even when you're depressed and feel like crap. I may have you on age by leaps and bounds, but you are my role model for dealing with chronic pain and fatigue issues and you are wise far beyond your years.
Keep remembering that those brain demons are full of malarkey and that you are an awesomely strong, capable individual who can do anything, just so long as you remember to pace yourself and keep a good account of your spoons and be good to yourself. *huge hugs to you*
no subject
Date: 2013-07-08 09:20 pm (UTC)::huge hugs back to you:: Thank you for your very kind words, they provided quite a boost on what has been a rough day.
I have thought about car pooling, but have severe anxiety whenever I think about relying on someone I don't know very well for transport, and even more when I think of spending 40 minutes in a car with someone I don't know very well. I could take public transit, as that at least has a pretty reliable schedule and has clear social etiquette expectations. But it would require a lot of transfers since I live in one county and work in another. I do make sure to have relaxing and fun music to listen to, and am going to add some podcasts, podfics, and audio books to my phone as well. I also found a route that is a little longer miles wise, but is more relaxing to drive (and takes about the same amount of time as being stuck in bumper to bumper traffic).
no subject
Date: 2013-07-08 10:42 pm (UTC)Right on to finding and using alternate routes! One of the very first things I would do whenever I moved was to get a map and pour over the various routes to and from work/my duty station and to various other things. I had two major alternate routes to and from my place of duty in Seattle, besides taking I-5, which was almost always bumper to bumper unless I left two and a half to three hours early. Like you, I got to the point that I almost always drove the 'scenic route', especially since I could stop and watch the sunset over Puget Sound and the Olympic mountain range along the way home. :) There are few stress busters like watching a sunset in a scenic spot, especially if the tide happened to be out and I could walk on the strip of beach.
I know most people like to use a GPS system these days, but I've had bad luck with them and much prefer to obtain a county road atlas from the county clerk's office. They are usually updated more regularly than the GPS companies and won't send you on a wild goose chase like I've had too many GPS units do.
no subject
Date: 2013-07-08 11:37 pm (UTC)