alee_grrl: Eddie Izzard pointing at his head.  Text: In my Mind. (eddie izzard)
[personal profile] alee_grrl
Just before the move I had gotten to a point in life and treatment where I was fairly certain of my own ability level and when to say "I don't think I'm going to have the spoons for that." I lived alone, which had its downsides as well as its perks, and my schedule was very flexible.

I may have made the mistake of thinking that because I had it figured out there, I would also have it figured out here, completely forgetting that the two situations are absolutely different and the daily spoon requirements and tasks were also going to be absolutely different. I have been trying to re-learn my own boundaries, and it is not always easy. Add in two antibiotics that affect the neurological aspects of Lyme, including the depression, anxiety, dizziness, and brain fog, and life is a wee bit frustrating at the moment. The duo will make those symptoms much better in the long run, but in the short run it makes them much worse. Lyme treatment works a lot like cleaning your house. It always gets way messier before you're done. ::headdesk::

So I went from having a very flexible schedule where my friends assured me I worked 40 hours a week or more, but it never felt like I did because I did those hours in bits and pieces, to having to do those 40 hours in 8 hour blocks (with a 40 min to an hour commute on each end). Plus the whole stress that comes with working versus school. School is stressful, but in a different way for me. In school I am mostly competing with myself and I felt like I had a bit of a safety net in my student loan funding. I knew that if I missed a class I could still pull a good grade and keep my funding, etc. I know that if I miss work, especially if I miss work frequently, I will loose my job. Right now it is an internship, and I am hoping to impress them enough that they hire me on when I am done. This makes for a very different type of stress, and I have to frequently watch for active brain demons and their distractions ("they're having a meeting and look all serious...they're going to fire you").

Brain demons are illogical, very self-centered things. But they are loud, insistent, and very, very distracting. The little buggers can stir up an anxiety storm like nothing else. I've gotten better at battling them. I try to use deep breathing techniques, and logical points ("they just picked up a big case; they wouldn't be putting so much time and effort into your training if they were going to fire you"), and I will sometimes ask for a third party verification that the brain demons are being active again. That step is harder because it can trigger more brain demons. Because asking for help, or admitting that you are worrying about your job, your usefulness, your ability to contribute, etc, makes the brain demons go "food!!!!" They then laugh manically and point out that this sort of weakness is exactly what they were talking about in the first place.

Brain demons make moving back in with others after living on your own very difficult. My sister has been wonderful and it is amazing having someone else to help with the various household tasks that I was having to either do myself or live with them not being done. But the insidious brain demons like to insist that she is going to decide I'm too neurotic to live with. However, I have owned up to this worry and we've talked about it. While it doesn't smash the demons, it does give me a direction to point them in and take away some of their potency. Today we are having some folks come over and help move her stuff out of her old office so that we can convert it into a room for me. We will pick up the rest of my stuff when we go to Vermont at the end of August to visit the rest of the clan. Knowing I'm going to have my own space also helps.

Things that I have to work on adjusting too, and work on being kind to myself about: working 40 hours all in a row, plus the drive, is going to leave me worn out and tired for a while; the heat is going to leave me worn out and tired for a while, and add to my nausea problems; running out of spoons early in and event and missing the performance me and my sister actually paid to see is okay, and understandable, and there is absolutely no need to be mad at myself for this. Mad at the Lyme and the situation, sure, myself no. I also need to focus on the fact that despite me running out of spoons early, we did have a good time. We ate at a yummy Afgan Kebob place (and I was good and did not eat the very yummy looking flatbread), and enjoyed the djs who managed the music before the bands went on. There was also excellent people watching. I got to meet Voltaire, the artist we went to see perform. I got a photo with him, an autographed CD, and a very soft and cuddly "Pony of Doom".

So anyway, that's what is going on with me. I apologize for not being around much. It will probably be a little while before I figure out proper spoon management for this new part of my life.
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