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alee_grrlMy vacation has been nice. I've really enjoyed my time with my heart family. The one frustrating thing is that my car is in the shop. The windshield wiper motor went out. It's a small relatively minor repair but I don't want to risk driving it til it's fixed. Driving in winter in Vermont without wipers is a bad idea. Driving anywhere at anytime without wipers is probably a bad idea. Unfortunately the part won't be here til Wednesday or Thursday. I'm enjoying the extra time with my heart family, but have things I need to do at home. Thankfully I'll have about a week before classes start, so if I head home Thursday I should be fine.
2012 wasn't really a great year, but it wasn't a dreadful one either. It had its fair share of joys, and its shares of of tediousness and frustrations. Overall it was a good year, but not a terribly memorable one.
At this moment I have completed about a year and half of lyme treatment and made it through two birthdays and winter holiday seasons without sweets and without most carbs. My weight is holding relatively steady around 170/175 pounds, though I continue to lose inches. I can now fit into some medium sized clothing, which is a bit disconcerting.
Some of my friends find it a bit odd that I am sometimes ambivalent about my weight loss. Generally I am happy with my improved health and the ability to wear clothes I never imagined. However I am also somewhat uncomfortable with my weight loss. I never realized how much my weight provided a sense of protection. I also didn't realize just how small I am (5'2", child sized hands and features). In some ways I feel frailer now, which is strange, but slowly I am adapting to my new physique.
I think one of my frustrations with my new size is that I really despise how fatphobic American culture is, and I dislike the fact that I find my slimmer self more beautiful. It feels as if I have bought into the hype, and I have to remind myself that I was no less beautiful when I was a size 20. It is also strange and somewhat disturbing to be noticed and treated differently now that I am slimmer. Slowly I work on reshaping my sense of identity so that it is not connect to my weight or physical appearance. This is a hard thing indeed.
Another thing that I've been working on is realizing that occasionally buying things and spending what seems like a lot of money at once does not automatically mean that I have started emulating my parents and their poor financial habits, nor do I need to feel guilty over spending money (particularly monetary gifts) on things that feel frivolous.
This came up because I decided to take advantage of some of the after christmas deals at Sierra Trading Post. I got another set of expedition weight thermal underwear (the warmest weight), two pair of Smartwool socks, and a new pair of winter shoes that have better insulation than my currently rather worn ones. These were all items I needed and I didn't have too much trouble buying them.
I splurged a bit on a pretty dress and some lovely dress heels. I have no nice dresses that fit anymore, and I am feeling well enough to attend Barrister's Ball (aka law prom) this year. It would be very nice to dress up and have a night on the town. Which leads to my other Christmas splurge: new makeup.
I have to laugh at myself. It wasn't until my thirties that I realized nylons can prevent blisters when wearing dress shoes. I was in my mid-twenties before I learned about the importance of properly fitting bras. I didn't really learn how to apply make-up until my late twenties. It wasn't really until my late twenties/early thirties that I realized that done properly make-up can be nice, hair products can help me manage my hair and make it look the way I want it too, and dressing up can be a big help in boosting confidence for job interviews and special occasions. I didn't realize until today that make-up has a much shorter shelf-life than I realized. I was vaguely aware that it had an expiration date, but wasn't aware how short that date was for most cosmetics (6-12 months).
Even more hilarious, this whole issue was brought to my attention only because it was mentioned in an Avengers fanfic that I was reading, which deals with the adventures of the SHIELD legal department. It is part of a series, and I recommend all of the stories in it. It does have original characters, but they are very well done. I'm guessing it was written by a lawyer or law school student, or someone who has done extensive research, as zie gets the little details right.
Returning to the make-up issue, my current stash dates back to 2008 (definitely beyond the shelf life of most products). A friend of mine directed me to Sephora, which sells travel size and sample sets of high end cosmetics and other beauty products. Not only did I manage to replace all of my make-up, I also improved my color selection. So a pricey splurge, but a useful one. The extra treat I added was a small bottle of nail polish which will go stunningly with my new dress and heels. I already have a lovely set of Shiva shell jewelry though I had no idea that was what it was called. It has been a day for learning. :)
So I am working on letting go of my guilt for spending money on myself and buying things that part of me considers frivolous and non-essential. My treats to myself tend to run more along the lines of the occasional mp3 album, e-book, short video game, or digital editions of movies and tv shows. Clothing and other such items not bought at discount or second hand stores is a bit out of my norm most days.
All in all life is good right now. I am a bit more aware of my own strengths and blessings, particularly after a long talk with my brother who had coped with the scars of our childhood in far different ways than I, and who is now dealing with the consequences of his coping methods. He is doing better and I am happy for him. I hope that he continues to heal and find healthier coping mechanisms.
Hope is ever present on the horizon, and 2013 holds some wonderful things already. I will finish law school, which is an amazing accomplishment. I will continue my journey towards a healthier and more able-bodied me. I will continue to discover myself and find healthier coping mechanisms. A new adventure peers around the corner, whispering of the possibilities that may await.
I hope that all of us have a year that is filled with more joy than pain, more health than illness, more hope than fear. May we find inspiration to do the things we love, to create in ways we find fulfilling, and to explore our universe in large and small ways. May we find love for ourselves and for others in healthy relationships and strong bonds (romantic and aromantic). May our good days outnumber the bad. Blessings and brightest hopes for the New Year.
2012 wasn't really a great year, but it wasn't a dreadful one either. It had its fair share of joys, and its shares of of tediousness and frustrations. Overall it was a good year, but not a terribly memorable one.
At this moment I have completed about a year and half of lyme treatment and made it through two birthdays and winter holiday seasons without sweets and without most carbs. My weight is holding relatively steady around 170/175 pounds, though I continue to lose inches. I can now fit into some medium sized clothing, which is a bit disconcerting.
Some of my friends find it a bit odd that I am sometimes ambivalent about my weight loss. Generally I am happy with my improved health and the ability to wear clothes I never imagined. However I am also somewhat uncomfortable with my weight loss. I never realized how much my weight provided a sense of protection. I also didn't realize just how small I am (5'2", child sized hands and features). In some ways I feel frailer now, which is strange, but slowly I am adapting to my new physique.
I think one of my frustrations with my new size is that I really despise how fatphobic American culture is, and I dislike the fact that I find my slimmer self more beautiful. It feels as if I have bought into the hype, and I have to remind myself that I was no less beautiful when I was a size 20. It is also strange and somewhat disturbing to be noticed and treated differently now that I am slimmer. Slowly I work on reshaping my sense of identity so that it is not connect to my weight or physical appearance. This is a hard thing indeed.
Another thing that I've been working on is realizing that occasionally buying things and spending what seems like a lot of money at once does not automatically mean that I have started emulating my parents and their poor financial habits, nor do I need to feel guilty over spending money (particularly monetary gifts) on things that feel frivolous.
This came up because I decided to take advantage of some of the after christmas deals at Sierra Trading Post. I got another set of expedition weight thermal underwear (the warmest weight), two pair of Smartwool socks, and a new pair of winter shoes that have better insulation than my currently rather worn ones. These were all items I needed and I didn't have too much trouble buying them.
I splurged a bit on a pretty dress and some lovely dress heels. I have no nice dresses that fit anymore, and I am feeling well enough to attend Barrister's Ball (aka law prom) this year. It would be very nice to dress up and have a night on the town. Which leads to my other Christmas splurge: new makeup.
I have to laugh at myself. It wasn't until my thirties that I realized nylons can prevent blisters when wearing dress shoes. I was in my mid-twenties before I learned about the importance of properly fitting bras. I didn't really learn how to apply make-up until my late twenties. It wasn't really until my late twenties/early thirties that I realized that done properly make-up can be nice, hair products can help me manage my hair and make it look the way I want it too, and dressing up can be a big help in boosting confidence for job interviews and special occasions. I didn't realize until today that make-up has a much shorter shelf-life than I realized. I was vaguely aware that it had an expiration date, but wasn't aware how short that date was for most cosmetics (6-12 months).
Even more hilarious, this whole issue was brought to my attention only because it was mentioned in an Avengers fanfic that I was reading, which deals with the adventures of the SHIELD legal department. It is part of a series, and I recommend all of the stories in it. It does have original characters, but they are very well done. I'm guessing it was written by a lawyer or law school student, or someone who has done extensive research, as zie gets the little details right.
Returning to the make-up issue, my current stash dates back to 2008 (definitely beyond the shelf life of most products). A friend of mine directed me to Sephora, which sells travel size and sample sets of high end cosmetics and other beauty products. Not only did I manage to replace all of my make-up, I also improved my color selection. So a pricey splurge, but a useful one. The extra treat I added was a small bottle of nail polish which will go stunningly with my new dress and heels. I already have a lovely set of Shiva shell jewelry though I had no idea that was what it was called. It has been a day for learning. :)
So I am working on letting go of my guilt for spending money on myself and buying things that part of me considers frivolous and non-essential. My treats to myself tend to run more along the lines of the occasional mp3 album, e-book, short video game, or digital editions of movies and tv shows. Clothing and other such items not bought at discount or second hand stores is a bit out of my norm most days.
All in all life is good right now. I am a bit more aware of my own strengths and blessings, particularly after a long talk with my brother who had coped with the scars of our childhood in far different ways than I, and who is now dealing with the consequences of his coping methods. He is doing better and I am happy for him. I hope that he continues to heal and find healthier coping mechanisms.
Hope is ever present on the horizon, and 2013 holds some wonderful things already. I will finish law school, which is an amazing accomplishment. I will continue my journey towards a healthier and more able-bodied me. I will continue to discover myself and find healthier coping mechanisms. A new adventure peers around the corner, whispering of the possibilities that may await.
I hope that all of us have a year that is filled with more joy than pain, more health than illness, more hope than fear. May we find inspiration to do the things we love, to create in ways we find fulfilling, and to explore our universe in large and small ways. May we find love for ourselves and for others in healthy relationships and strong bonds (romantic and aromantic). May our good days outnumber the bad. Blessings and brightest hopes for the New Year.
