Vacation, Specters of Guilt and New Year's Reflections

[alee_grrl]

My vacation has been nice. I've really enjoyed my time with my heart family. The one frustrating thing is that my car is in the shop. The windshield wiper motor went out. It's a small relatively minor repair but I don't want to risk driving it til it's fixed. Driving in winter in Vermont without wipers is a bad idea. Driving anywhere at anytime without wipers is probably a bad idea. Unfortunately the part won't be here til Wednesday or Thursday. I'm enjoying the extra time with my heart family, but have things I need to do at home. Thankfully I'll have about a week before classes start, so if I head home Thursday I should be fine.

2012 wasn't really a great year, but it wasn't a dreadful one either. It had its fair share of joys, and its shares of of tediousness and frustrations. Overall it was a good year, but not a terribly memorable one.

At this moment I have completed about a year and half of lyme treatment and made it through two birthdays and winter holiday seasons without sweets and without most carbs. My weight is holding relatively steady around 170/175 pounds, though I continue to lose inches. I can now fit into some medium sized clothing, which is a bit disconcerting.

Some of my friends find it a bit odd that I am sometimes ambivalent about my weight loss. Generally I am happy with my improved health and the ability to wear clothes I never imagined. However I am also somewhat uncomfortable with my weight loss. I never realized how much my weight provided a sense of protection. I also didn't realize just how small I am (5'2", child sized hands and features). In some ways I feel frailer now, which is strange, but slowly I am adapting to my new physique.

I think one of my frustrations with my new size is that I really despise how fatphobic American culture is, and I dislike the fact that I find my slimmer self more beautiful. It feels as if I have bought into the hype, and I have to remind myself that I was no less beautiful when I was a size 20. It is also strange and somewhat disturbing to be noticed and treated differently now that I am slimmer. Slowly I work on reshaping my sense of identity so that it is not connect to my weight or physical appearance. This is a hard thing indeed.

Another thing that I've been working on is realizing that occasionally buying things and spending what seems like a lot of money at once does not automatically mean that I have started emulating my parents and their poor financial habits, nor do I need to feel guilty over spending money (particularly monetary gifts) on things that feel frivolous.

This came up because I decided to take advantage of some of the after christmas deals at Sierra Trading Post. I got another set of expedition weight thermal underwear (the warmest weight), two pair of Smartwool socks, and a new pair of winter shoes that have better insulation than my currently rather worn ones. These were all items I needed and I didn't have too much trouble buying them.

I splurged a bit on a pretty dress and some lovely dress heels. I have no nice dresses that fit anymore, and I am feeling well enough to attend Barrister's Ball (aka law prom) this year. It would be very nice to dress up and have a night on the town. Which leads to my other Christmas splurge: new makeup.

I have to laugh at myself. It wasn't until my thirties that I realized nylons can prevent blisters when wearing dress shoes. I was in my mid-twenties before I learned about the importance of properly fitting bras. I didn't really learn how to apply make-up until my late twenties. It wasn't really until my late twenties/early thirties that I realized that done properly make-up can be nice, hair products can help me manage my hair and make it look the way I want it too, and dressing up can be a big help in boosting confidence for job interviews and special occasions. I didn't realize until today that make-up has a much shorter shelf-life than I realized. I was vaguely aware that it had an expiration date, but wasn't aware how short that date was for most cosmetics (6-12 months).

Even more hilarious, this whole issue was brought to my attention only because it was mentioned in an Avengers fanfic that I was reading, which deals with the adventures of the SHIELD legal department. It is part of a series, and I recommend all of the stories in it. It does have original characters, but they are very well done. I'm guessing it was written by a lawyer or law school student, or someone who has done extensive research, as zie gets the little details right.

Returning to the make-up issue, my current stash dates back to 2008 (definitely beyond the shelf life of most products). A friend of mine directed me to Sephora, which sells travel size and sample sets of high end cosmetics and other beauty products. Not only did I manage to replace all of my make-up, I also improved my color selection. So a pricey splurge, but a useful one. The extra treat I added was a small bottle of nail polish which will go stunningly with my new dress and heels. I already have a lovely set of Shiva shell jewelry though I had no idea that was what it was called. It has been a day for learning. :)

So I am working on letting go of my guilt for spending money on myself and buying things that part of me considers frivolous and non-essential. My treats to myself tend to run more along the lines of the occasional mp3 album, e-book, short video game, or digital editions of movies and tv shows. Clothing and other such items not bought at discount or second hand stores is a bit out of my norm most days.

All in all life is good right now. I am a bit more aware of my own strengths and blessings, particularly after a long talk with my brother who had coped with the scars of our childhood in far different ways than I, and who is now dealing with the consequences of his coping methods. He is doing better and I am happy for him. I hope that he continues to heal and find healthier coping mechanisms.

Hope is ever present on the horizon, and 2013 holds some wonderful things already. I will finish law school, which is an amazing accomplishment. I will continue my journey towards a healthier and more able-bodied me. I will continue to discover myself and find healthier coping mechanisms. A new adventure peers around the corner, whispering of the possibilities that may await.

I hope that all of us have a year that is filled with more joy than pain, more health than illness, more hope than fear. May we find inspiration to do the things we love, to create in ways we find fulfilling, and to explore our universe in large and small ways. May we find love for ourselves and for others in healthy relationships and strong bonds (romantic and aromantic). May our good days outnumber the bad. Blessings and brightest hopes for the New Year.

Comments

[jjhunter]

Oh dear - I think my makeup kit is in a similar state to your old set; until reading this I had no idea cosmetics might have an expiration sooner than ~handwavium years down the road. Eep.

More seriously, it sounds like you have been doing a lot of hard growing and coping and sorting things out this year; I'm proud of and very happy for you.

I hope that all of us have a year that is filled with more joy than pain, more health than illness, more hope than fear.

Yes, this, very much this and the rest of your lovely blessing. Well put!

[alee_grrl]

I had no idea cosmetics might have an expiration sooner than ~handwavium years down the road. Eep.

This was me prior to this afternoon. Glad I could share my new found knowledge. :)

I'm proud of and very happy for you.

Thank you so much! ::hugs::

trigger warning: this reply also talks about weight (and exercise)

[untonuggan]

Thank you for sharing your experiences, now and throughout the year. So often they relate to what I am going through.

For example, I *just* started exploring the wide world of makeup by getting some tinted lip balm yesterday and putting on some nail polish for the first time in years. I had been thinking of stocking up on lip balm since it is on sale and, you know, sales. Now I know to avoid that pitfall! Although I may get one other color that the nice person at the counter recommended...

I am also planning on making some posts about weight loss/body image sometime in the upcoming...something. It's strange, I am struggling with the "less weight means more beautiful" mentality/poison of our culture. However, what I'm really enjoying about the weight loss is that it is SO much easier to exercise with less to move around. Before when I did some kneeling push-ups in physical therapy, or planks, or anything involving my core, I had a much bigger belly weight working against trying to pull me out of alignment. Now there is still some belly there, but it is still way easier to do those movements. And don't get me started on stretching and flexibility. I know it's not just the Lyme treatment, because I have had times before when treatment was going well and I could do more time on the bicycle or more reps than I am doing now, and I was in better condition...but the exercises were still harder to do. So I'm really looking forward to seeing how far I can go. And knowing that at some point a flare will probably knock me off my trajectory, because that's the way it rolls.

I am also enjoying being a smaller size partly because in our fat-biased culture, it is easier to find clothes that I like at cheaper prices. This does not always hold true in thrift stores, but certainly it is nice not to always have to go to a special store if I want to buy something new instead of used.

Anyway, /ramble. I wish you a happy new year as well, filled with all the good things!

Re: trigger warning: this reply also talks about weight (and exercise)

[alee_grrl]

Make up can be a lot of fun to play with and explore. It can be nice to add a splash of color, particularly on those days where you feel washed out by illness. You can check with the sales person to see if they have sample sizes, or a small value set, of the gloss. That way you can get some more colors to play with without having to worry about the waste if you don't use them.

I agree that having a smaller shape makes many core exercises easier. I am enjoying that difference quiet a bit, though I haven't been exercising much. I wear out so quickly. I think it might be time to work on adding some of my wii fit yoga and other simple exercises back into my weekly routine.

I have found it is easier to get clothes I like that fit at discount stores and thrift stores, which is a new and novel experience. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It can be a big help to know one is not alone.

Re: trigger warning: this reply also talks about weight (and exercise)

[untonuggan]

<3

Re: Make-up

Now I am working with two colors of lip balm, some lotion I had, and also some SPF facial lotion that is supposed to "add glow" or something. Since the meds I'm on make me extra sensitive to sunburn, I consider this a win. :D

I may decide to play with more later, and I'm sure the cosmetic lady will have *lots* of ideas, but in the meantime...any suggestions? (Preferably for something for sensitive skin and that doesn't use animal testing.) Even a suggestion for a *type* of thing to try next would be cool, because honestly I have no idea how to apply most of this stuff or what it is for...

I have decided also that while nail polish is fun, I do way too many active things to make it practical day to day (at least for fingers). Even with my mom's nice salon quality nail polish, I'm already starting to chip it quite rapidly, and I don't think I'm willing to make an effort not to chip a nail.

Re: trigger warning: this reply also talks about weight (and exercise)

[alee_grrl]

I tend to stick with the higher end brands (like Clinique and Bare Minerals) as I have ultra sensitive skin and those have been the only one's that haven't freaked my skin out. Might be worth checking into some of the brands they sell at the co-op or Whole Foods.

I've found the best way to learn is check with the folks at the comsetics counter in the store or salon. When a friend took me to the Clinique counter at Macy's we informed the lady I was very new to make-up beyond lip gloss. She showed me how to apply each layer. When we got to the eyes, she showed me how to apply it and demonstrated on one eye. I got to then try out doing it myself with the other. You can do this and not buy all the things they want to sell you. Say you need to get it in smaller batches or you need to think about that sort of big spend a bit more.

I'm with you on the nail polish. At the moment I wear it for a while even if it has badly chipped because most people don't care. In the professional world, if I was going to go through the effort of painting my nails I'd probably stick to the paler colors or clears as they don't show chips so much.

Re: trigger warning: this reply also talks about weight (and exercise)

[untonuggan]

Thanks for some of the tips! I have had good luck so far with Burt's Bees lip balm and pretty lip balm and moisturizer, which they sell at a local Walgreens, so maybe they will have some other options too. (They also have a nice cosmetics lady.) If not, I will definitely check out some health food place or something and see if they have a travel size version or sampler or something.

TW for a bit of weight discussion as well

[raze]

Lovely, thoughtful year-end post. A few things:
1. I am glad I'm not the only one - or perhaps "comforted" is a better word, since I'm not glad that it upsets you - who feels strangely about finding one's thinness preferable despite railing against society's "fatphobia." I struggle with EDNOS and while it is largely NOT motivated by appearence, I am severely freaked out by fatness in myself even though it doesn't bother me in other people. I find this vexing and weak and guilt-inspiring. I am also a very petite person as it sounds you are, and being this 5'1" shrimp that weighs less than most dogs I groom? Does not mesh nicely with my masculine sense of identity.

2. I'm also able to relate on the whole "buying things for self = massive guilt trip/I am becoming an impulsive spender panic" note and am happy to hear that you are slowly reconciling it. It feels like a major triumph whenever I can buy some little thing for myself without having a panic attack or feeling the need to return it. So, high five for foward progress and treating the lovely you to something nice every now and again :)

3. Also, fantastic achievement keeping the sugars/sweets in check during lyme treatment. That is HARD and I salute you for it!

TL/DR: You are awesome :)

Re: TW for a bit of weight discussion as well

[alee_grrl]

Aw! Thank you. ::hugs::

I totally sympathize with the 1st note. I've struggled with EDNOS myself and have a very odd relationship with food most days. So extra hugs for this.

I think the two things that have really helped me with the sugars/sweets thing is that I am on two antifungals that help keep the yeast undercontrol. It is largely the yeast (according to my Dr.) that was behind my massive sugar cravings as yeast needs sugars to breed and grow. The other thing is that I have nearly immediate negative feedback if I eat something I shouldn't. Those two things have helped me overcome a lot of the cravings. I do acknowledge that it isn't easy and am proud of myself for all the things I've managed to accomplish, but I think these two factors have helped a lot. :)

Thank you for the high fives and supportive words!

[sulien]

As far as makeup is concerned, the best I've found that actually covers without feeling yucky is Bare Minerals and it doesn't sweat off while you're exercising. The best thing about it? It doesn't go bad! I've never enjoyed wearing makeup because it always felt heavy and yuck, even the water based foundation, but the Bare Minerals powder is light, even when used heavily enough to cover Rosacia. Cheap it isn't, but it is worth every penny and you can get the bare bones starter kit for $20.

I hear you about the body image issues. My concern with my current weight is that it is unhealthy, not that I'm bigger, and the fat-phobic assclowns can bite me.

[alee_grrl]

The Bar Minerals starter kit was one of the things I got in my replacement shopping spree. :D

[sulien]

Cool beans! That stuff is amazingly easy to put on and comfortable to wear.