Update on the state of the Manda
Nov. 17th, 2012 01:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alee_grrlSo I haven't been around on Dreamwidth much lately. This is for several reasons, some medical, some school related, and overall a distinct lack of spoons.
So for a while I'd been doing really, really well. I had quite a bit of energy and was finally able to start thinking about the ever terrifying and imminently looming prospect of life after law school. I was able to start organizing my thoughts and plans regarding life after law school. I will finish in December, 2013, which sadly means I must start planning these things now. The legal profession is absolutely ridiculous in that way. Job applications for many positions and fellowships must be in nearly a year ahead of time. Other jobs hire within months or weeks of posting openings (like the rest of the business world). So you have to have an overall plan and strategy for job seeking and post graduation life. You also have to start planning your finances for that period of time post grad where you are studying for and taking the bar and so cannot work because this prep is a full time job in and of itself (and possibly the months after if you haven't yet found work).
Since my overall ideas of what I want to do after law school have shifted a bit I also have had to shift my plans for the next two semesters and the intervening summer. This is still a work in progress for the most part, but I am developing different plans and contingencies. By this point in my life I am well aware that plans almost never actually go according to said plan. So when I say plan, I basically mean chart out what paths and opportunities might work best from what you know if available and be prepared to alter said plan when new info arises. Occasionally this means tossing the plan out the window, or setting it on fire and dancing on the ashes. Five years ago I would have laughed at the prospect of going to law school. My graduate school plans were maybe a masters of social work or art history and education. Law school wasn't even a possibility. Then I got some experience in the legal world and realized it would actually be a really good fit for me, my general knowledge and experience, and my overall interests. So switched gears, redrew my plans, and now I'm about a year out from officially having my juris doctor degree.
In addition to many spoons being taken up by this OMG need to plan and research the possibilities, I also had some medical issues arise. I would say setbacks, but I don't think that is quite the right word. I had been noticing for quite a while that I wasn't sleeping as well and had been experiencing a creepy increase in fatigue and overall feeling of weakness. I mentioned the difficulty sleeping to my GP on my marathon doctor day, and we decided to try a low dose of a different antidepressant that had been shown to help fibromyalgia patients with sleeping problems. I have given up on the "it wasn't fibromyalgia, but untreated Lyme disease" argument. There are some walls that are not worth beating one's head against. So I tried that. No improvement. Mentioned all of this when I saw my Lyme doc. As usual his response kind of warped my brain a little.
I spend a lot of time looking at my Lyme doc and wondering if he is still speaking English since some of the things he says go against all the things I have been told by doctors previously. His favorite response to this is "They were wrong and were working under a wrong diagnosis." His science is very sound, and I've done a lot of research that backs him up, but my poor brain still has trouble accepting some of what he says. In this case the issue was that I needed less antidepressant rather than more. Lyme badly affects the brain and neurological systems, which means it can cause all kinds of mental health problems. As treatment progressing and those awful little spirochetes are killed off, my brain had the chance to heal and start working properly. This includes things like the proper production and reception of seratonin, which meant that I was a prime candidate for starting to notice side effects from my main antidepressant, Effexor. So he suggested I talk to my GP about lowering my dose.
I have consistantly been told that I would likely be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life, and essentially that increases in dose and switching medications was a game I would get to look forward to from here on out. To be told I needed to lower the dose, and that eventually I should be off all the medications I am on just made my poor brain hurt. However, Dr. C has done well by me and I figured it was worth trying. His explanation made since science wise and he's an effective doctor, though an odd little guy. So I made an appointment with my GP and looked up the side effects of too high a dose of Effexor cause I like to know these things. Turns out that too high a dose of Effexor can cause increased fatigue and feelings of weakness (that walking through molasses feeling where doing anything takes time and effort). Talked to my GP. She agreed with lowing the dose and also switched me to the extended release version. Years ago when I restarted the Effexor my insurance would only cover the instant release, so that is what I've been on. I have different insurance now and they have no problem covering the extended release version. So I'm down to 150 mgs a day instead of 225 mgs.
In addition to the lower dose of Effexor, Dr. C was also worried about increased yeast causing the fatigue. I have been doing really pretty well with my no-yeast diet, though worry I eat too many of the sprouted grain tortillas that we are allowed. I haven't noticed any of the other increased problems with yeast issues, but it is possible that it was there. Dr. C mentioned that the formula for Nystatin (the anti-fungal I'm on to help with yeast issues) might have changed as he has noticed more of his patients seem to be having problems with yeast again. So now I'm also on twice weekly Diflucan, another anti-fungal.
I started both the lower dose of Effexor and the Diflucan the same day. So I have no idea which one caused which improvements. But things have improved. Took about a week for the fatigue to really start fading and my brain functioning to come back on line. I'm now able to focus on homework and assignments again, and have even managed to get a little bit of writing done here and there. I was pleased to finally get the last outstanding prize poem for![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
poetree challenge winners done.
I was also able to get my midterm for my White Collar Crime class done and not feel like it was absolutely dreadful. It is an ungraded midterm, but presents an excellent chance for us to get a lot of feedback from our professor on our level of knowledge and understanding of the material. Also a great way to figure out how she presents her fact patterns in exams and how she analyzes them. It's a small class so she has promised to give us lots of detailed feedback. Due to the lack of focus and fatigue issues I ended up putting the exam off til the day before it was due. But by then the changes in medication were effective enough that putting six to eight hours (thankfully not all in a row) into an exam was not only possible but it didn't wipe me out for the rest of the week. So that is happy making.
I've also been spending the past few weeks processing the fact that I am no where near done with the Lyme treatment. I had it in the back of my head that I should be done with both Lyme treatment and law school at about the same time. But I'd been terrified to ask my doc for any actual idea of timeline because I also knew that it was possible I was wrong. But now that I am having to consider where to look for work post graduation, I had to ask. Apparently I still have years left. Dr. C pointed out that how good I was feeling this summer is not anywhere near normal healthy thirty-something. This is when he noted that eventually I should be able to go off all the medications, which warps my brain a whole lot.
It's hard for me to conceive since I am feeling so much better than I have, but I also have a really hard time accepting just how sick I was/am. When you have been sick for so long you survive and function by convincing yourself that you aren't that sick. You tend to convince yourself that how you feel is "normal" and you just need to deal with it better. Even now I have a hard time acknowledging just how sick Lyme has made me, and accepting that it is Lyme that has caused all my other health problems (depression, especially). So I have been wrapping my head around the fact that the ridiculously restrictive crazy ass diet plan will continue for some time, as will the joys of cyclic antibiotic treatment. However, treatment has gotten easier and the improvements have been cumulative. So I hold onto those thoughts. Dr. C is not worried about me returning to a full time work load (I asked) and is willing to try long distance doctoring (where I call him for most things and make the trek to visit him every three to six months) if I have to seek work outside of the Vermont/New Hampshire area, which is very likely. So there has been a lot of good hopeful things to process along with the scary overwhelming idea of not being near done with treatment.
tl;dr summary: life has been busy and I've had a lot to process. :) On the fun side of things I got my hair all chopped off and love the new do. It's a lovely style for this soon to be 33 year old, and an afternoon at the salon was a good way to start my birthday celebration a week early. I also got myself a couple of birthday prezzies that arrived this week: new long johns that fit (my old ones were so baggy I couldn't zip the jeans over them), new nose studs (I loose them very quickly), and DMZ vol. 1, the first volume in an amazing graphic novel series. My friends are doing a brunch for me tomorrow on my actual b-day. So I'm celebrating 33 in style.
After the salon visit, with the stylist having done some smoothing of the curls.
After a shower with me doing very little at all, aka how it looks day-to-day.
So for a while I'd been doing really, really well. I had quite a bit of energy and was finally able to start thinking about the ever terrifying and imminently looming prospect of life after law school. I was able to start organizing my thoughts and plans regarding life after law school. I will finish in December, 2013, which sadly means I must start planning these things now. The legal profession is absolutely ridiculous in that way. Job applications for many positions and fellowships must be in nearly a year ahead of time. Other jobs hire within months or weeks of posting openings (like the rest of the business world). So you have to have an overall plan and strategy for job seeking and post graduation life. You also have to start planning your finances for that period of time post grad where you are studying for and taking the bar and so cannot work because this prep is a full time job in and of itself (and possibly the months after if you haven't yet found work).
Since my overall ideas of what I want to do after law school have shifted a bit I also have had to shift my plans for the next two semesters and the intervening summer. This is still a work in progress for the most part, but I am developing different plans and contingencies. By this point in my life I am well aware that plans almost never actually go according to said plan. So when I say plan, I basically mean chart out what paths and opportunities might work best from what you know if available and be prepared to alter said plan when new info arises. Occasionally this means tossing the plan out the window, or setting it on fire and dancing on the ashes. Five years ago I would have laughed at the prospect of going to law school. My graduate school plans were maybe a masters of social work or art history and education. Law school wasn't even a possibility. Then I got some experience in the legal world and realized it would actually be a really good fit for me, my general knowledge and experience, and my overall interests. So switched gears, redrew my plans, and now I'm about a year out from officially having my juris doctor degree.
In addition to many spoons being taken up by this OMG need to plan and research the possibilities, I also had some medical issues arise. I would say setbacks, but I don't think that is quite the right word. I had been noticing for quite a while that I wasn't sleeping as well and had been experiencing a creepy increase in fatigue and overall feeling of weakness. I mentioned the difficulty sleeping to my GP on my marathon doctor day, and we decided to try a low dose of a different antidepressant that had been shown to help fibromyalgia patients with sleeping problems. I have given up on the "it wasn't fibromyalgia, but untreated Lyme disease" argument. There are some walls that are not worth beating one's head against. So I tried that. No improvement. Mentioned all of this when I saw my Lyme doc. As usual his response kind of warped my brain a little.
I spend a lot of time looking at my Lyme doc and wondering if he is still speaking English since some of the things he says go against all the things I have been told by doctors previously. His favorite response to this is "They were wrong and were working under a wrong diagnosis." His science is very sound, and I've done a lot of research that backs him up, but my poor brain still has trouble accepting some of what he says. In this case the issue was that I needed less antidepressant rather than more. Lyme badly affects the brain and neurological systems, which means it can cause all kinds of mental health problems. As treatment progressing and those awful little spirochetes are killed off, my brain had the chance to heal and start working properly. This includes things like the proper production and reception of seratonin, which meant that I was a prime candidate for starting to notice side effects from my main antidepressant, Effexor. So he suggested I talk to my GP about lowering my dose.
I have consistantly been told that I would likely be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life, and essentially that increases in dose and switching medications was a game I would get to look forward to from here on out. To be told I needed to lower the dose, and that eventually I should be off all the medications I am on just made my poor brain hurt. However, Dr. C has done well by me and I figured it was worth trying. His explanation made since science wise and he's an effective doctor, though an odd little guy. So I made an appointment with my GP and looked up the side effects of too high a dose of Effexor cause I like to know these things. Turns out that too high a dose of Effexor can cause increased fatigue and feelings of weakness (that walking through molasses feeling where doing anything takes time and effort). Talked to my GP. She agreed with lowing the dose and also switched me to the extended release version. Years ago when I restarted the Effexor my insurance would only cover the instant release, so that is what I've been on. I have different insurance now and they have no problem covering the extended release version. So I'm down to 150 mgs a day instead of 225 mgs.
In addition to the lower dose of Effexor, Dr. C was also worried about increased yeast causing the fatigue. I have been doing really pretty well with my no-yeast diet, though worry I eat too many of the sprouted grain tortillas that we are allowed. I haven't noticed any of the other increased problems with yeast issues, but it is possible that it was there. Dr. C mentioned that the formula for Nystatin (the anti-fungal I'm on to help with yeast issues) might have changed as he has noticed more of his patients seem to be having problems with yeast again. So now I'm also on twice weekly Diflucan, another anti-fungal.
I started both the lower dose of Effexor and the Diflucan the same day. So I have no idea which one caused which improvements. But things have improved. Took about a week for the fatigue to really start fading and my brain functioning to come back on line. I'm now able to focus on homework and assignments again, and have even managed to get a little bit of writing done here and there. I was pleased to finally get the last outstanding prize poem for
poetree challenge winners done. I was also able to get my midterm for my White Collar Crime class done and not feel like it was absolutely dreadful. It is an ungraded midterm, but presents an excellent chance for us to get a lot of feedback from our professor on our level of knowledge and understanding of the material. Also a great way to figure out how she presents her fact patterns in exams and how she analyzes them. It's a small class so she has promised to give us lots of detailed feedback. Due to the lack of focus and fatigue issues I ended up putting the exam off til the day before it was due. But by then the changes in medication were effective enough that putting six to eight hours (thankfully not all in a row) into an exam was not only possible but it didn't wipe me out for the rest of the week. So that is happy making.
I've also been spending the past few weeks processing the fact that I am no where near done with the Lyme treatment. I had it in the back of my head that I should be done with both Lyme treatment and law school at about the same time. But I'd been terrified to ask my doc for any actual idea of timeline because I also knew that it was possible I was wrong. But now that I am having to consider where to look for work post graduation, I had to ask. Apparently I still have years left. Dr. C pointed out that how good I was feeling this summer is not anywhere near normal healthy thirty-something. This is when he noted that eventually I should be able to go off all the medications, which warps my brain a whole lot.
It's hard for me to conceive since I am feeling so much better than I have, but I also have a really hard time accepting just how sick I was/am. When you have been sick for so long you survive and function by convincing yourself that you aren't that sick. You tend to convince yourself that how you feel is "normal" and you just need to deal with it better. Even now I have a hard time acknowledging just how sick Lyme has made me, and accepting that it is Lyme that has caused all my other health problems (depression, especially). So I have been wrapping my head around the fact that the ridiculously restrictive crazy ass diet plan will continue for some time, as will the joys of cyclic antibiotic treatment. However, treatment has gotten easier and the improvements have been cumulative. So I hold onto those thoughts. Dr. C is not worried about me returning to a full time work load (I asked) and is willing to try long distance doctoring (where I call him for most things and make the trek to visit him every three to six months) if I have to seek work outside of the Vermont/New Hampshire area, which is very likely. So there has been a lot of good hopeful things to process along with the scary overwhelming idea of not being near done with treatment.
tl;dr summary: life has been busy and I've had a lot to process. :) On the fun side of things I got my hair all chopped off and love the new do. It's a lovely style for this soon to be 33 year old, and an afternoon at the salon was a good way to start my birthday celebration a week early. I also got myself a couple of birthday prezzies that arrived this week: new long johns that fit (my old ones were so baggy I couldn't zip the jeans over them), new nose studs (I loose them very quickly), and DMZ vol. 1, the first volume in an amazing graphic novel series. My friends are doing a brunch for me tomorrow on my actual b-day. So I'm celebrating 33 in style.
After the salon visit, with the stylist having done some smoothing of the curls.
After a shower with me doing very little at all, aka how it looks day-to-day.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-17 07:41 pm (UTC)Much <3,
J.J.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-17 07:43 pm (UTC)ETA: I am also very thankful to have you in my closer circle of friends as well. You have brought a lot of delight and whimsy into my world. So thank you!
no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 03:12 am (UTC)It is very good to hear that your treatment is proceeding as the doctor planned and that you are doing well with it. That it is going to continue is not all bad; after all, that it is going to continue means that you are going to continue to make progress in getting healthier as well and that as good as you have been doing in comparison to how you used to feel is only a glimpse of how much better you will be. I hope that made sense...
Lastly and definitely not leastly, Happy 33rd Birthday! You've come of legal age for a Hobbit! ;) I hope you have a wonderful day with your friends and that this coming year will be the best yet.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 03:15 am (UTC)Your second paragraph makes plenty of sense to me. :) Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I am truly blessed with a wonderful circle of friends, on and off line.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 05:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 03:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 11:58 am (UTC)And... while I'm sad things slid back for a time, I'm happy to know that the changes are helping and that things are continuing to improve. <3 I'm very glad you have Dr. C. He sounds wonderful.
May your birthday be filled with love and joy and may the next year be filled with all things good and wonderful. <3 *sends love and good thoughts*
no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 03:39 pm (UTC)I am very blessed to have found Dr. C. He's odd, and sometimes makes my brain warp, but he is a damn good doctor.
no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-18 03:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-19 06:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-11-19 06:31 pm (UTC)