alee_grrl | Holding Patterns and Treading Water

I realized today that I haven't posted much other than signal boosts and

poetree stuff lately. I've been preoccupied with life for the most part. It is hard sometimes to explain my current state of being. When people ask, "how are you?," my general response is simply, "I am." I'm sort of in a neutral holding pattern right now, and that is not always so easy to express.

Lyme treatment continues, and for the most part is going well. While I don't feel fantastic (though I've had a couple of days where that happened, then we started the next phase), I don't feel awful either. I'm tired and achy, but not overwhelmingly so. It's a manageable level of ill, which is a nice change from "Oh my gods, please make it stop." The fatigue is more of a general tiredness, rather than the overwhelming sort of exhaustion I was getting. It is rare that I struggle with daily life wondering who turned the gravity up (or turned the air to molasses). My brain is clearer for the most part, though thought connections are not always as speedy or consistent as I would like. I still wear out quickly and have days where I feel blank and struggle to find words and thoughts that come quickly on good days. I see my friends making their summer plans and feel frustrated that I simply can't do any of those cool things right now (later, I promise myself, you will be able to do such cool and interesting things later). I remind myself of the things I can do, and try to take solace in the thought of complete remission of my Lyme. I remind myself that I am putting myself through this rigorous treatment so that I can one day be healthy, in ways that I can no longer remember being. I hold onto the vast improvements I have seen. Some days this is easier than others. I lean on my friends, who remind me to be kinder to myself (and generally offer amazing support and comfort).

Overall I am content with my progress and life as it is right now. School is going well, for the most part and I generally feel like I am able to keep up with my work. I am very relieved that I decided to take no more than 10 credit hours, as I could not have handled any more than what I have. I am thrilled that I have been able to start work with

jjhunter as co-mod of the

poetree community. I very much enjoy working with her and being part of that community. The closer I stick to my prescribed diet, the less I crave the sugars and breads. I miss the ability to eat these things, but not necessarily the foods themselves (and I remind myself that I will be able to add some of it back in sometime in the future). It's more that I miss the freedom of eating things that look amazing and I miss the way I remember things tasting. But it isn't the strong, overwhelming *want* that I used to get when I walked past the baked goods or chocolate sections of the store. I worry about the future, and get frustrated with my lack of ability to really plan for it right now, but that is very human of me.

Right now I am treading the waters of life, and my head is above water. That is an okay place to be.