Oh wow, it's been a while

Hi, y'all. Sorry for the long silence. Life has been crazy this year. One of my heart-sisters had a heart attack in August and a second one a few weeks later. She is thankfully fine and recovering well, but it was terrifying for everyone. Job hunting was exhausting and demoralizing, but ultimately I decided to go freelance and focus more on part-time work for now so I could also work on fixing some of the health issues I was having. This gave me time to devote to therapy, both physical and mental, which has been very needed. I'm thankful that I could move back in with chosen family and also thankful for the available government aid (it isn't much, but every little bit helps--particularly having insurance through Medicaid). Part of me feels guilty for even applying for those benefits because there are days I don't feel particularly disabled. But then I realize that disability is disability. Even though I wouldn't qualify for social security disability because I can still work, just not 40 hours a week, doesn't mean I'm not disabled at all.

Apparently, I have developed full-blown osteoarthritis in both knees, so that's been fun. It was only discovered because I fell in August while carrying a box down the stairs. Thankfully, I was towards the bottom of the stairs, so I wasn't badly injured. I bruised my knees, scraped my shin and one ankle, and twisted the same ankle weirdly (but managed not to sprain it). The x-rays taken post-fall showed the arthritis. So that sucks, but after talking with my PCP I agreed to try physical therapy and I've been amazed at how helpful that has been. It's helped relieve the pain a lot and has built up my endurance a bit.

I can now walk a mile without thinking I'm going to die or needing to sit down partway through. I can stand comfortably for longer periods of time and my balance is improving so I'm less terrified while on stairs. It's been a mix of aquatic and land-based PT too, which has been nice. I need to look into the discount memberships for the local community gym that the aqua PT is held at as it would be nice to do that on my own time as well as during official PT.

I also started a new therapy program over the summer, one using a newer neuropsychology modality called accelerated resolution therapy. I have a post I put up on Tumblr about it that I'll copy/paste here after I get this post up. It was odd but incredibly helpful. I was honestly surprised how how effective it was. We completed the sessions just after Thanksgiving and I'm still doing well. I'm to call if things come up or get worse again, but, otherwise, I just get to keep going on with these new tools in my arsenal.

Let's see, what else to update....in September I landed a regular contract position as a paralegal for 20 hours a week, and I've been doing a lot of small projects here and there. Consulting, research, and graphic design work for one of my law school friends, and developmental editing and beta reading for some of my writer friends. I've even been able to get some writing done and have a new fic that will be going up on Tuesday (it's for a Secret Santa exchange, so I can't post it til then).

Now if I can just kick this absolutely wicked strain of strep, I'll be very good. Prior to this, I didn't even know strep could cause ear aches, but, wow, can it cause ear aches. I'm on the second round of antibiotics for it cause the symptoms came back the day after I finished the first round. Good times. But even with this nonsense, I'm doing better than I have in a long time. I feel a lot more grounded than I'd been feeling, which is really nice.

So that's the state of me. I hope y'all are all doing well and that your holiday season is as low-stress and happy-making as possible.

The Profound Beauty of Being Able to Visualize Your Older Self

(This is copy/pasted from my Tumblr)

The above may be a head-tilting title to some. US culture treats aging as if it is something horrific in a lot of ways, and many people actively avoid thinking about themselves aging. Many more do their best to slow the visible signs. But until recently I honestly could not picture myself older, probably because I expected to die young (mostly thanks to C-PTSD and severe depression and anxiety).

So I made it to my forties and have tried to celebrate every grey hair and laugh line as signs that I survived and am doing well. I’m out here living my life and that is awesome. But I still found it a struggle to truly envision myself older. The future just seemed impossible to visualize.

However, I recently tried a new therapy modality, Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART). It’s similar in a lot of ways to EDMR therapy, which I had heard of but never tried. Most of my previous therapy was talk therapy or cognitive behavior therapy.

ART was really strange and I had to actively work on letting go of my desire to overthink and logic the hell out of everything. But I decided to give it an honest go and was really surprised by how effective it was. It definitely gave me some handy new tools to use going forward.

But honestly one of the most profound aspects for me was the moment when I realized that I could see myself older–by days, by weeks, by years, by decades. And there is something so profoundly beautiful in being able to imagine that, in being able to see a future for yourself. Maybe it’s a vague future, but it’s still a future.

For me, the inability to see myself old wasn’t related to fear of aging. Nor am I blinded by a romanticized idea of aging. I have paid too much attention to my loved ones as they’ve aged to think it will be all great. But I also know from those same observations that it can be wonderful even with all the failings our bodies and minds can experience. We can still experience so much and I certainly have cherished the moments I’ve had with older friends and relatives. Life keeps going. We keep learning. We keep loving. And while I’ve always tried to believe that, it wasn’t until recently that I could actually see that for myself.

And I can only hope for that for everyone. May you be able to see a future for yourself. May you see yourself growing, learning, and loving for decades to come.