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alee_grrlI found out last night that my grandmother, my only surviving grandparent, is in the hospital and declining rapidly. She is 85 and has a whole host of heath problems including COPD and Congestive Heart Failure. Her mental faculties have been getting worse much more quickly since this summer. The last time I spoke with her on the phone her breathing was so bad even with constant oxygen flow that she had to pause every few words, and she mentioned that her memory was growing so much worse. I could her the fear and frustration in her words. It was heartbreaking.
I am torn between two hopes: one that she will recover because I am not ready to loose her yet, and another that she will go as quickly and painlessly as possible and not have to suffer the complete loss of her mental faculties. Either way there is nothing I can do save let my dad and uncle know that I am here if they need me, that I love them and her and am with them in spirit even if I cannot be there in person.
My uncle and his wife are there with her now. Thankfully their work is such that they can do it from anywhere and will be able to stay with her til she gets better or passes. My poor father is on the road, working on a big project for his company and training new employees. He cannot leave to head home. His company is small and cannot really spare him. Nor is there anything he could do if he were home but fret and pace (and smoke too many cigarettes). It doesn't sound like she is very aware at the moment. So having all of us return and pace the waiting room doesn't make much sense. Plus Grandma always hated fuss and too many people around at one time. She did not want a funeral for that reason.
She was incredibly proud of me for returning to school and working so hard on fixing my health. I know that she would rather I stay here and complete the semester, put my energy into getting the next stages of my life settled and taken care. All of that knowledge means nothing to my heart. So I am taking a moment today to let my heart of its say too. I may not be able to go back to Spokane. I may not be able to go wrap by dad in the biggest hug possible right this moment like I want to. But I can sit for a few moments and send those thoughts and all that love out into the world.
I can unpack my memories of her, and revel in the fact that I had the chance to get to know her. She was not a big figure in my life until I was in my mid-twenties. But she, despite having a conservative streak, has made such a huge effort to understand me and my world. She started actively reading the queer column that was being published in our local paper every Friday. She asked me questions and listened to my answers. In turn I learned about this amazing woman who had traveled from Missouri to Washington State long before interstates made such travel easy, who left her small town to live in St. Louis at a boarding house with other women, who owned a tavern, who divorced her husband in the 1950s and raised her sons alone because she was terrified her alcoholic husband would bring nothing but financial ruin. Like all of us she has her quirks and issues. I know precisely where my dad and I got our stubborn steak from! The three of us together in one house sure lead to some interesting times.
I am happy to have had the time I have had with her. And if this is the time we part ways on this earth, then I love you grandma and am so glad to have had you in my life. I hope that the imagery of a dream I had earlier this week is slightly prophetic. That you find yourself returning "home" to find the waiting wiggly butt of our Mini-love there with all her kisses to welcome you home.
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