Another interesting article on the dangers of "It Gets Better"

[alee_grrl]

Potential trigger warning: linked article contains mentions of self-harm, suicidal ideation and attempts, and discussion of mental illnesses.

A friend forwarded this article to me. It reflects some of what was said in my own post and in others comments on that post, and raises some other interesting points as well.

Comments

[jelazakazone]

Hunh. Interesting. She's saying that things don't get better, but they do seem to have gotten much better for her.

I think that a lot of times just getting older is helpful. Sometimes you are 30 before things feel better. I mean, "it gets better" is a quick, easy phrase and if you do nothing, things probably won't get better, but I do feel that we can change some things about our lives that will make things seem not so bleak. Of course, if you have brain chemistry issues, it might be very hard to overcome.

Er, not trying to be argumentative. Just thinking out loud. I am very interested in personal growth :D

[alee_grrl]

Oh, I agree. I said "raises interesting points" because I think that they are things that should be considered when telling people something along the lines of "it gets better."

My own experience has certainly been that age makes a difference in how we perceive our world, ourselves and what others say to us. Time and therapy has made a world of difference in how I view the world and my coping skills, and who I am now that I am in my 30s is very different. And despite the pitfalls of health and life in general, I find that overall my life has gotten better.

But I remember how very difficult it was as a teen when most of my days were "bad" days, when life seemed like nothing but unending pain with no hope in sight. While some of the videos and messages from the campaign might have been helpful, a great many would not have been. It is a concept that I now find somewhat helpful, though occasionally frustrating as seen in my own earlier post. I generally try to frame things along the 'this too shall pass' line of thought, and try to remind myself that both good and bad emotions are ephemeral and often unpredictable things. Even then there are days when I need more than a reminder that things get better, because there are still days that are dark enough or pain-filled enough that it is hard to hold on to hope. Those are the days when hearing an off the cuff 'it gets better' comes across as a platitude, and that generally only makes me feel worse. I think that is what this person was getting at.

ETA: I think you also get at the other part of the problem when you point out that often we have to do something ourselves to change things so that they get better. Many of the videos I've seen do not seem to suggest this element, but rather suggest that if you just wait long enough things will get better. As you said just waiting for things to improve often doesn't help. So it would be nice to see a shift in the movement towards discuss ways to change the situations that result in feeling so desperate and in such great amounts of pain that ending your life seems like the best option. Providing details and information on groups like The Trevor Project is a start, but discussion of ways to change your situation and healthy coping mechanisms would also be a good addition.

[jelazakazone]

Oh yes. When "it gets better" is used a platitude, it's definitely not helpful.

I like to ask people, how can I help you? I like to think it gets people started thinking about what they can change in their lives. A lot of times, change just seems impossible, but if someone is holding your hand, I think it can make a world of difference.

Also, therapy was hugely helpful for me along the way. HUGE.

[alee_grrl]

I like to ask people, how can I help you? I like to think it gets people started thinking about what they can change in their lives. A lot of times, change just seems impossible, but if someone is holding your hand, I think it can make a world of difference.

Precisely! :) This is what I try to do too, and what many of my friends have done for me.

I think that the idea was to help those in crisis, particularly QUILTBAG youth in crisis, that they were not alone, that others had gone through the same thing and gotten better and that those others were now reaching out to help and support those in crisis. Some of the videos really capture this quality. Most of the concern regarding the 'It Gets Better' project is that people will simply stop at making a video, that the message will get turned into a platitude, and that the underlying issues at work (whatever they may be: bullying, mental or physical illness, domestic abuse, etc) will not be addressed.

[jelazakazone]

So, I watched like two of those videos. I guess maybe I felt that they were too platitudy? They didn't really inspire me.

Do you think a better message to send would be "you're not alone"? Or, "You have allies"?

[alee_grrl]

I watched quite a few of them as I was intrigued by the idea at first. But I was disappointed that none of them went further than offering personal stories and saying that 'it gets better.' The only one I was really impressed by was one that a Jamaican reggae artist put out, and that was because I know from personal experience how homophobic Jamaican culture is. Having any video from a Jamaican saying that homosexuality was okay was a pretty impressive thing.

Do you think a better message to send would be "you're not alone"? Or, "You have allies"?

Yes, I think either of these would be a much better message.

[jelazakazone]

Wow. That Jamaican one must have been awesome.

Maybe we should start our own campaign.

[alee_grrl]

It was. I just remembered I had the link to it saved in my email. You can watch it here.

Maybe we should start our own campaign. It certainly bears thinking about. :)