2011 - the year of meh.
Jan. 3rd, 2012 08:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
alee_grrlIn some ways, for me, 2011 was the year of apathy. On a personal level it was neither a great year, nor an awful one. It simply was. Since I've been wrapped up in the world of law school the greater goings on in the world haven't left much of an impact this year. I noted Occupy Wall Street, the debacle that is the presidential campaign, and a few other news stories. But the majority of my attention was on school and health. In many ways 2011 was better than 2010. I spent much of 2010 being so massively depressed that suicide ideation started popping up (though I got help as soon as I noticed that ideation). Things improved quite a bit in 2011. My friends helped a lot with that improvement, as did the firewalk that I attended.
One of the biggest factors in that improvement was finding a doctor who didn't take the fibromyalgia diagnosis at face value, throw up his hands and say "there's nothing I can do for you," which is what the doctor I had in 2010 had basically done. Between my new specialist and new general practitioner, I am slowly but surely dealing with all the things causing me to be constantly fatigued and in pain. After evaluation and numerous tests by diagnosis shifted from fibromyalgia, to late-stage Lyme Disease (sometimes called chronic Lyme), and systemic yeast overgrowth. I responded very well to the anti-yeast treatment (though the restricted diet has been a bitch to get used to), and before school started was feeling pretty darn good.
I had a bit of a set back at the start of the antibiotic treatment. Irene in all her glory (which was pretty intense here in Vermont--this is a good video about her effect on my little town, and the amazing response from people here), triggered my PTSD. Oddly I had forgotten much of my storm triggered PTSD for a while. It's been a long time since it was triggered. Days before my seventh birthday an F4 tornado tore through my town and passed right over our heads. Since we lived in a trailer, we took shelter outside. We had one of those fuel-tank bbq pits. The support pole for the bbq was cemented into the ground under our carport. My parents, the neighbors and their kids, and my brother and I basically lay around that pole holding on for dear life. All the kids were on the bottom with our parents holding us down. I was terrified for our dogs who had gone into hiding early on in the storm (they came out when things had calmed down and were perfectly fine), and I was terrified for us. I will never forget the pull of the wind, the coldness of the rain or that awful sound. What really made the power of nature a nightmarish thing for me though was seeing the utter devastation afterward. We had to travel into the neighboring city to stay with friends because we had neither power nor water. On the way into town we passed by the neighborhood gas station. All that was left of that cement structure was the counter and the sign. Nothing else. The trailer park just up the road from us was completely wiped out. Not a single trailer remained whole. I struggled with fear of storms for a long time, but it got better over the years. Nearly went away completely after I left the south. Watching the river rise to nearly double it's size in less than an hour brought a lot of those old fears slamming back. I watched from my porch as tables, propane tanks and large trees floated down a river I could normally not even see from the porch. I heard stories of houses and cars going down stream. The devastation after the storm was just as horrific as it had been all those years ago, and the sense of helplessness just as strong. I was able to help some this time, but not as much as I would have liked due to my health. So it was a very frustrating time. Add that to the stress of starting back to school (Irene hit the day before classes were supposed to start), the stress of appellate advocacy (a 2L right of passage at my school) and the stress of starting a difficult medical treatment, and you have a very fragile Manda.
So I started seeing the new school counselor (who was a great deal more help than the old one), and after much debating decided to drop a class. That brought about it's own stress, which you can read about here. It was worth the relief to have fewer hours though. I was able to concentrate on the remainder of my classes and improve my attendance. Thanks to my awesome family of choice (aka my Vermont family, the Pagan Lane clan), I successfully navigated the holidays despite not being able to eat any sweets whatsoever. Due to various family members dietary restrictions our Christmas dinner was gluten-free, dairy-free (save for the pumpkin pie), and mostly sugar/sweet-free (save for the french bread slabs and desserts, which I ignored). There was even stuffing I could eat. A lot of the food was homegrown, including the godzilla chicken (giant mutant chicken-thing was the size of a small turkey). All the food was super yummy too. Got to spend a lot of time just hanging out with friends, including a couple members of our clan that I usually only get to see at Christmas. So it was a really nice holiday.
The only downside to the winter break has been that my new antibiotic (doxycycline) often makes me nauseous and since I just started it, and it's a stronger antibiotic I'm still dealing with the achy, yucky feeling that happens with each treatment cycle. I also developed an aphthous ulcer, which is a apparently the fancy name for canker sores, on the underside of my upper lip where the lip meets the gums. Did you know that canker sores and cold sores were different things? I didn't. I've actually had the sore for a while, but I was often in the habit of taking my dentures out (I'm planning on doing a longer fonsfaq post on living with dentures, especially when you're young) at night to try to get the sore to heal. Since I was staying with others I left them in (it's hard to be around other people without your teeth in). The friction made the sore much, much worse. Resulting in concerns that this painful thing was abscessing or something equally dreadful. So I left a bit earlier than I had planned, and stopped by the ER on my way home.
Thankfully it wasn't anything serious, just painful and embarrassing. I say embarrassing because the only way to treat it effectively is to leave my teeth out until it heals. This has meant going out in public without my teeth in, which bugs the shit out of me. I have coped by wrapping a scarf around my mouth or hiding behind my coat. Thank the gods that it's winter. Not sure what I would have done in summer. It's also meant being on a soft food diet (which is even more interesting when you're already on a restricted diet). Thankfully (and possibly unfortunately) I have a lot of experience with creative soft food diets due to previous teeth issues (there is a reason I've had dentures since I was 25, and it has a lot to due with bad genetics and no enamel). I'm starting to get a bit sick of things though. Hopefully this sore will heal up soon. Regardless the teeth are going back in when classes start, which is thankfully next week. I've made an appointment to get my dentures adjusted. So hopefully I can avoid a repeat of this misadventure.
So all in all it wasn't a bad year. It wasn't great by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't bad. It was certainly an improvement of 2010 (for me at least). Here's hoping 2012 will be an improvement for us all.
One of the biggest factors in that improvement was finding a doctor who didn't take the fibromyalgia diagnosis at face value, throw up his hands and say "there's nothing I can do for you," which is what the doctor I had in 2010 had basically done. Between my new specialist and new general practitioner, I am slowly but surely dealing with all the things causing me to be constantly fatigued and in pain. After evaluation and numerous tests by diagnosis shifted from fibromyalgia, to late-stage Lyme Disease (sometimes called chronic Lyme), and systemic yeast overgrowth. I responded very well to the anti-yeast treatment (though the restricted diet has been a bitch to get used to), and before school started was feeling pretty darn good.
I had a bit of a set back at the start of the antibiotic treatment. Irene in all her glory (which was pretty intense here in Vermont--this is a good video about her effect on my little town, and the amazing response from people here), triggered my PTSD. Oddly I had forgotten much of my storm triggered PTSD for a while. It's been a long time since it was triggered. Days before my seventh birthday an F4 tornado tore through my town and passed right over our heads. Since we lived in a trailer, we took shelter outside. We had one of those fuel-tank bbq pits. The support pole for the bbq was cemented into the ground under our carport. My parents, the neighbors and their kids, and my brother and I basically lay around that pole holding on for dear life. All the kids were on the bottom with our parents holding us down. I was terrified for our dogs who had gone into hiding early on in the storm (they came out when things had calmed down and were perfectly fine), and I was terrified for us. I will never forget the pull of the wind, the coldness of the rain or that awful sound. What really made the power of nature a nightmarish thing for me though was seeing the utter devastation afterward. We had to travel into the neighboring city to stay with friends because we had neither power nor water. On the way into town we passed by the neighborhood gas station. All that was left of that cement structure was the counter and the sign. Nothing else. The trailer park just up the road from us was completely wiped out. Not a single trailer remained whole. I struggled with fear of storms for a long time, but it got better over the years. Nearly went away completely after I left the south. Watching the river rise to nearly double it's size in less than an hour brought a lot of those old fears slamming back. I watched from my porch as tables, propane tanks and large trees floated down a river I could normally not even see from the porch. I heard stories of houses and cars going down stream. The devastation after the storm was just as horrific as it had been all those years ago, and the sense of helplessness just as strong. I was able to help some this time, but not as much as I would have liked due to my health. So it was a very frustrating time. Add that to the stress of starting back to school (Irene hit the day before classes were supposed to start), the stress of appellate advocacy (a 2L right of passage at my school) and the stress of starting a difficult medical treatment, and you have a very fragile Manda.
So I started seeing the new school counselor (who was a great deal more help than the old one), and after much debating decided to drop a class. That brought about it's own stress, which you can read about here. It was worth the relief to have fewer hours though. I was able to concentrate on the remainder of my classes and improve my attendance. Thanks to my awesome family of choice (aka my Vermont family, the Pagan Lane clan), I successfully navigated the holidays despite not being able to eat any sweets whatsoever. Due to various family members dietary restrictions our Christmas dinner was gluten-free, dairy-free (save for the pumpkin pie), and mostly sugar/sweet-free (save for the french bread slabs and desserts, which I ignored). There was even stuffing I could eat. A lot of the food was homegrown, including the godzilla chicken (giant mutant chicken-thing was the size of a small turkey). All the food was super yummy too. Got to spend a lot of time just hanging out with friends, including a couple members of our clan that I usually only get to see at Christmas. So it was a really nice holiday.
The only downside to the winter break has been that my new antibiotic (doxycycline) often makes me nauseous and since I just started it, and it's a stronger antibiotic I'm still dealing with the achy, yucky feeling that happens with each treatment cycle. I also developed an aphthous ulcer, which is a apparently the fancy name for canker sores, on the underside of my upper lip where the lip meets the gums. Did you know that canker sores and cold sores were different things? I didn't. I've actually had the sore for a while, but I was often in the habit of taking my dentures out (I'm planning on doing a longer fonsfaq post on living with dentures, especially when you're young) at night to try to get the sore to heal. Since I was staying with others I left them in (it's hard to be around other people without your teeth in). The friction made the sore much, much worse. Resulting in concerns that this painful thing was abscessing or something equally dreadful. So I left a bit earlier than I had planned, and stopped by the ER on my way home.
Thankfully it wasn't anything serious, just painful and embarrassing. I say embarrassing because the only way to treat it effectively is to leave my teeth out until it heals. This has meant going out in public without my teeth in, which bugs the shit out of me. I have coped by wrapping a scarf around my mouth or hiding behind my coat. Thank the gods that it's winter. Not sure what I would have done in summer. It's also meant being on a soft food diet (which is even more interesting when you're already on a restricted diet). Thankfully (and possibly unfortunately) I have a lot of experience with creative soft food diets due to previous teeth issues (there is a reason I've had dentures since I was 25, and it has a lot to due with bad genetics and no enamel). I'm starting to get a bit sick of things though. Hopefully this sore will heal up soon. Regardless the teeth are going back in when classes start, which is thankfully next week. I've made an appointment to get my dentures adjusted. So hopefully I can avoid a repeat of this misadventure.
So all in all it wasn't a bad year. It wasn't great by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn't bad. It was certainly an improvement of 2010 (for me at least). Here's hoping 2012 will be an improvement for us all.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 03:39 am (UTC)Here's hoping your record of improvement year by year continues in 2012, but exponentially so. Hugs to you and Happy New Year!
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 03:49 am (UTC)Thanks for the advice, the hugs and happy new years wishes! Hope you have a fabulous New Year as well. I wish I could afford a vacation to the Seattle area this year. I keep seeing posts for this year's Emerald City Comic Con and wishing I could afford to go. They're gonna have some great guests this year. :)
Advice plz?
Date: 2012-01-04 02:37 pm (UTC)I finally saw a doctor yesterday who acknowledged that the pain I am having (stabbing migratory joint pain) is different from fibromyalgia pain (even though I still have pain in all those stupid tender points). And that being dizzy when doing aerobic activity is not normal. He thinks it may be Lyme, even though I have had three Lyme tests (including a Western Blot) and they were all negative. His theory is that we should just start me on treatment for Lyme and see if it helps.
Sorry to dump this all over your journal, but do you think that (with your experience) that would make sense? It seems to make more sense to me than taking two Ultracet a day just to get through the day.
Re: Advice plz?
Date: 2012-01-04 06:12 pm (UTC)My western blot came back indeterminate (not a full positive, but not a full negative). I had a lot of the clinical indications for Lyme though. Lyme if a very tricky disease, especially in the later stages. It is also a very controversial one (large parts of the medical community do not believe that late stage Lyme exists, or don't think that intensive, long-term antibiotics help). One of the things I really liked was that my doctor gave me a lot of info regarding both sides of the controversy, and was very up front with how difficult the Lyme treatment could be. It takes a long time, and is very cyclic. When you start feeling better if when you start the next cycle of treatment and go back to feeling crappy again. He's been wonderful at personalizing the treatment though. If I feel to awful (along the lines of "I'm dying," which I thankfully have not felt yet), I'm to call him immediately so we can take a break from treatment and come back on a lesser dose of the antibiotic. From what Dr. C told me, you can tell fairly quickly if the treatment is working (usually because it makes you feel worse).
One thing to keep in mind is that in order for treatment to work you have to stick to exactly what your doctor tells you. For me this has meant sticking to a diet that is incredibly restrictive, even though it drives me nuts (or did for the first few months). The fact that I noticed an extreme difference if how I felt if I deviated from the diet (major increase in pain and fatigue) helped me stick with it. One of my friends who went through treatment for Lyme basically said "It's the course you take if you feel like you're gonna die otherwise." I feel a little less extreme about it. I didn't feel like I was gonna die otherwise, but I did feel like I would be unable to function as a human being.
If nothing else has worked and your doctor feels that you have enough markers for a clinical diagnosis, it might well be worth trying the treatment. Ask him for information on the treatment protocol he will be using so you know what to expect (there are several different protocols out there). Do not hesitate to ask questions or raise concerns (I write my down as they occur to me and carry them with me, 'cause when brain fog hits I never remember a thing I wanted to ask). Use your friends (like me) for support and advice (sometimes you just need to bitch or whine and that's ok). When I needed advice on how to handle potential side effects of my newest antibiotic I turned to the
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 07:53 pm (UTC)All you've described sounds pretty big to me, though. Fingers are also crossed for an improved 2012.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-04 10:00 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-24 04:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-01-24 04:43 pm (UTC)Also wanted to suggest you Google 'Lake Quinault' and 'Quinault rain forest', then click on 'images'. You'll see why I decided to move out here to the coast, even though it is far from the good stuff that cities have to offer.
no subject
Date: 2012-01-24 09:56 pm (UTC)