alee_grrl | Social Anxiety and the Demons of Doubt (Reply)

Saw my doctor on Friday and was doing well enough for another slight increase. So I have been dealing with the resulting reaction. The good news is, as my Doctor reminded me, that generally things worsened with treatment (i.e. those pesky herx reactions) tend to massively improve after treatment. So hope beams steadily from the horizon. I am not quite sure what to do with the thought that my anxiety and depression issues may be primarily caused by the Lyme messing up the proper workings of my brain rather than childhood trauma and genetic disposition (which are probably contributing factors as well). I have learned to cope with having major depressive disorder and PTSD, and those coping strategies have served me well. The mindfulness I have had to cultivate to be relatively functional helps a lot during treatment. Apparently my explanation of the effect this antibiotic combo had was the most eloquently put Dr. C had heard. I wanted to point out that brain fog (something this combo makes worse) and eloquence aren't usually a combo so it doesn't surprise me more patients don't describe it very well.

I know that Dr. C is literally-minded and a scientist, so I try to avoid some of my more colorful ways of describing things. So I did not tell him that I felt like my brain was eating itself. Instead I said that I had been more foggy and forgetful, that I had noticed increased depression (lack of energy, lack of desire to do much of anything, lack of interest, lack of focus), and increased anxiety and self doubt. I stated that I would rather deal with the physical herx from the tetracycline than this sort of herx. This is when he pointed out that the things made worse by treatment are usually made better by the time treatment is done. I responded that it was solely that fact that was getting me through this treatment.

I find that I had forgotten how tiring social anxiety and doubt demons can be. While I've had spurts of anxiety and doubt, both had settled quite a bit in the past few years and my confidence in myself had blossomed. Right now I find myself questioning everything I say in class, every post I put up, every word out of my mouth. My brain double checks it, circles around it, and offers wild speculation on others' possible perception of the statement. My snark is fully operational and its sites are set inward. I am constantly reminding myself to be kind to *myself* (something I have often struggled with), shining the light of logic and reason on the shadowy demons of doubt (e.g. the teacher just agreed with what you said, love, so you couldn't have been too off track), and generally reminding myself to take deep breaths and put one foot in front of the other.

My nerves and anxiety alternate between a desire to not say anything at all and verbal diarrhea. Brain fog will sometimes attack in the middle of a torrent of words, which makes for an awkward pause and wrap up. I can change topics midstream without realizing it too, which results in that awkward moment when you realize that you held part of the conversation in your own head. Thankfully I'm quirky enough generally that I don't think too many have noticed.

Physically I am feeling better than I have felt in years, which actually makes it a little harder sometimes. I feel guilty if I turn down an event or miss something because I'm not physically sick. I have to remind myself that mental illness is still illness, and it is okay if you don't want to go out and be social because you are experiencing worse symptoms. It's okay to take space and time out when you need it. Of course, I still have to be somewhat functional. The ABA has strict rules about how many classes can be missed. Thankfully the worst part of the herx reaction is usually over in four or five days and then I slowly start climbing out of it. I will get a little bit of time of feeling pretty darn good before this crazy two step begins again. But it isn't two steps back and one forward anymore. The improvements are cumulative and the end result will be very much worth it.

Going with the flow of Lyme brain add...does anyone else think that Social Anxiety and the Demons of Doubt sounds like a good name for an indie punk band?