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Oooo child, things are gonna get easier, oooh child, things'll get brighter
So I've been spending a lot of time listening to the Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix-Tape Vol. 1 soundtrack which is all mix of 1970s pop, rock, and Motown songs. And while some of the songs sound ridiculously cheesy, they do remind me fondly of people in my childhood. Music was always the bright spot of my childhood and one of the very good things that my parents shared with me (along with love of books and reading). I strongly remember dancing around the house singing with my mom, carefully placing the record needle to play the song again, sitting on my dad's lap as he played harmonica, sitting with him as he tried to play the banjo, and sitting with him singing along to the music on the stereo. Neither of my parent's were much into Motown, but my favorite great aunt was.
Basically, both the soundtrack and the movie for Guardians bring back the best memories of my childhood, which can often been overtaken by the worst memories. So it was really nice to have something hit all the happy memory nostalgia buttons for once.
I spent a lot of time reflecting and grieving this week. At first I tried to bull through my grief over my professor/mentor's death, and push my feelings away. There are many reasons for this attempt to push away and in the light of a brighter day they are clearly not logical--but feelings are so rarely logical. It is strange when someone you know and respected dies, but they are someone you didn't know very well. I felt a bit like I didn't deserve to be as upset as I was because I barely knew her. I was scared by how close to home the whole situation hit, and feeling like my being scared and upset was selfish and self-centered. I do not say this to ask for accolades or assurances. I say it more to help others who might have similar thoughts upon the loss of someone they knew but did not know well. I realize now that my feelings were absolutely human and very expected. I am now allowing myself to grieve and more deftly avoiding the demons of doubt that insistently try to pop up.
By trying to bull through the weekend and first of the week I ended up making myself sick. I woke up Wednesday morning with a migraine and feeling beyond fragile. So I called into work and stayed home. Had a bit of a misadventure when I took Z for a walk and managed to lock us out of the house. Found a neighbor who let me use their phone and called a locksmith, and eventually got us back inside our home. It was a relatively quiet misadventure. We sat on the shaded stoop and tried to cool off, and waited as patiently as we could for the locksmith to arrive. It was that or wait about three hours for my sister to get home. Thankfully it was not the deadbolt that had locked automatically and we were able to get in without having to destroy the lock. We are now working on having a better back up plan in place because locksmiths are expensive. But this misadventure lead to a lot of spoon usage and I was still feeling fragile on Thursday. So I again stayed home and rested.
Work on Friday was a bit of a charged atmosphere but I basically kept my head down as much as I could, kept my headphones on, and worked on the projects I had been given. All in all I'm doing okay. My mood is slowly improving now that I'm off the Effexor, and while the grief comes and goes in waves (as grief does), and I am more aware that things will, with time, get easier.
Good things:
Basically, both the soundtrack and the movie for Guardians bring back the best memories of my childhood, which can often been overtaken by the worst memories. So it was really nice to have something hit all the happy memory nostalgia buttons for once.
I spent a lot of time reflecting and grieving this week. At first I tried to bull through my grief over my professor/mentor's death, and push my feelings away. There are many reasons for this attempt to push away and in the light of a brighter day they are clearly not logical--but feelings are so rarely logical. It is strange when someone you know and respected dies, but they are someone you didn't know very well. I felt a bit like I didn't deserve to be as upset as I was because I barely knew her. I was scared by how close to home the whole situation hit, and feeling like my being scared and upset was selfish and self-centered. I do not say this to ask for accolades or assurances. I say it more to help others who might have similar thoughts upon the loss of someone they knew but did not know well. I realize now that my feelings were absolutely human and very expected. I am now allowing myself to grieve and more deftly avoiding the demons of doubt that insistently try to pop up.
By trying to bull through the weekend and first of the week I ended up making myself sick. I woke up Wednesday morning with a migraine and feeling beyond fragile. So I called into work and stayed home. Had a bit of a misadventure when I took Z for a walk and managed to lock us out of the house. Found a neighbor who let me use their phone and called a locksmith, and eventually got us back inside our home. It was a relatively quiet misadventure. We sat on the shaded stoop and tried to cool off, and waited as patiently as we could for the locksmith to arrive. It was that or wait about three hours for my sister to get home. Thankfully it was not the deadbolt that had locked automatically and we were able to get in without having to destroy the lock. We are now working on having a better back up plan in place because locksmiths are expensive. But this misadventure lead to a lot of spoon usage and I was still feeling fragile on Thursday. So I again stayed home and rested.
Work on Friday was a bit of a charged atmosphere but I basically kept my head down as much as I could, kept my headphones on, and worked on the projects I had been given. All in all I'm doing okay. My mood is slowly improving now that I'm off the Effexor, and while the grief comes and goes in waves (as grief does), and I am more aware that things will, with time, get easier.
Good things:
- Niece came home from her dad's today
- Another sister and her family are coming in for a visit while we move eldest niece into College dorm (where did the time go?!) So wonderful company and chaos are descending for a few weeks. :D
- I treated myself to some cool things in the past few (give or take) months including:
- a 23andMe DNA test kit (you only get the raw data and the ancestry report, but you can upload the raw data to other apps to learn some of the genetic medical info)
- This Lyme Disease Awareness car magnet
- This white dragon keychain that I plan on turning into a beaded dangle thing to hang from my rear-view mirror
- some beading/jewelry making items to help with the above, including this Basic Jewelry Making book
- Captain Marvel Volume 1: In Pursuit of Flight
- Captain Marvel Volume 2: Down
- X-Men Vol. 1: Primer (an all female x-team!)
- Word Warriors: 35 Women Leaders in Spoken Word
- Out of the Past: Gay and Lesbian History from 1869 to the Present by Neil Miller
- pre-orders of:
no subject
Sounds like a pretty horrendous week. I do hope the next one is better. How has Z been going?
I've not yet seen Guardians of the Galaxy but am hoping to get to it this week.
no subject
Z is doing really well. Still startles occasionally but is taking to clicker training with great speed. The funniest sight tonight was her trying to chew on a gigantic tennis ball. We try to upload the (blurry) photos I took as it was too adorable. Z is very happy that niece is home and there is yet another person to spoil her rotten.
no subject
Just because we don't know someone very well doesn't mean that they can't have a great deal of impact on our lives from to the way we think and feel about things all the way down to the very processes of thought we use. I'm glad you've given yourself permission to grieve for your mentor.
*sending lots of positive vibes and virtual hugs your way*
no subject
And thank you for the hugs and well wishes. <3