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Entry tags:
The good, the bad, and the seriously ugly
This is going to be a seriously hard post for me to write. The past week has been a doozy and come with some very not good news that rocked my small law school community to the core. Most important for those who may not read the whole post: I am doing okay, and coping far, far better than I had expected considering all the change and stress of this year.
I'm just going to throw all the content warnings on here for good measure. If you are low on spoons, particularly emotional ones, please feel free to skip this post. I'm going to break this into the three sections mentioned in the title with content warnings on each section.
The Good
We'll start with The Good because that is a nice thing to talk about. I'm going to put this under a cut tag not just for length, but also because I know some of my friends may not have spoons to read about any medical stuff, even stuff with happier outcomes, and other may wish to avoid discussions of food issues.
I mentioned in my last post that my doctor and I had finally figured out that my antidepressant was causing most of the problems I have been experiencing lately (higher anxiety, difficulty sleeping, lack of appetite, increased fatigue, irritability, and so forth and so on). Lowering my Effexor dosage from 75 mg to 37.5 mg helped, but I was still experiencing some problems. So we discussed how to wean me off the medication entirely and I have been doing that. I am in my third day of no Effexor at all and it has definitely made a difference. It was a difference I desperately needed and has given me back some of my cope. I am extremely thankful for this because I needed every ounce of my cope this week.
The other thing I realized this past week, thanks to some very helpful observations by my chosen family, is that when I stopped eating dairy I did not replace those calories with anything. I have not had much appetite, and my mouth has been bothering me, which has made it even harder to find things that tempt me into eating. I was relying a lot on dairy to fill in some of the calories I needed. While I've started drinking unsweetened soy milk, but that is lower calorie than milk (not to mention it took me a while to get used to the different texture/taste). After actually sitting down and tabulating my caloric intake I realized that I have been (maybe) getting about 1200 calories a day. Thanks to other issues I've had I do not always recognize hunger (or acknowledge it). A good many of my headaches, stomach pain, and other discomfort have likely been due to hunger.
I have been making a concentrated effort to eat more often and carry more food with me throughout the day. I have also started researching dentists in the area and gotten my dental insurance info from HR (I kind of forgot that I had dental insurance). I will be calling to make an appointment on Monday. I also ordered a bunch of Penzey's spice blends. Penzey's is one of the few commercial spice companies that offers a bunch of blends that do not have sugar, dextrose, lactose, maltodextrine, msg, or other additives that I should not have added. This will help my sister and I change up some of our routine meals and add a little more variety to our lives. We're also working on doing more planning and prep on the weekends so that we both eat more and better during the week. All of these things are already making a difference in how I am feeling. So yay!
The Bad
Monday morning my sister/roommate, E, found out that her mother had been hospitalized after having been found incoherent and unresponsive. Apparently she had a stroke due to a blood clot. She regained consciousness and was able to talk but had lost some mobility in her left side. My sister was able to talk to her that morning. They have put her on Cumidin and she has already been moved to a long term rehab unit for physical therapy and post-stroke care. There is some concern about possible dementia based on her MRI, as well as general worries of additional strokes. So my sister has been doing a lot of research into longer term care possibilities if needed. Her mom is doing pretty well though and is in good humor despite everything. So you know this is bad but it could be worse.
The Seriously Ugly
If you have been following my blog for a while you know that I am a recent law school graduate. I attended a very small law school in rural Vermont, and was pretty involved on campus when I could be. Vermont Law School was a non-stereotypical law school, one that focused on community building and improvement and collaboration rather than competition and winning. VLS is one of those places where you pretty much new everyone even if you didn't have a class with them. Monday brought some seriously hard news to our community. One of our professors and campus leaders was found dead in her home on Sunday. It has since been revealed that she was struggling with depression and took her own life. A local news station actually handled the revelation very well.
This hit so very close to home for me, not only because I knew Professor Hanna and respected the hell out of her, but because I have struggled so much with depression and suicidal ideation. Professor Hanna was an amazing woman. She inspired so many of us to strive for a better world. She was a phenomenal professor and I wish I could have had her for constitutional law. Unfortunately, depression takes away your ability to see your own worth. When you are depressed you cannot see how brightly you shine, or how much joy and inspiration you bring to others. It leaches your ability to hope, and the pain of it can be so unbearable. Combine that with a culture (both societal and professional) that still stigmatizes mental illness and characterizes depression as a character flaw, and a country that has systemically cut back on mental health services, and you have a recipe for disasters like this.
I will give major props to Vermont Law though. They alerted faculty, students, and alumni of Professor Hanna's passing on Monday and provided a hotline for grief counseling in that notification. There has been a ton of encouragement to all members of the community to grieve together and support one another. Hopefully this tragedy will also help spur a larger discussion in the legal community about mental health.
I'm doing what I need to do to take care of myself, including compiling lists of resources and sharing them on various social media sites. I also have plans to go see "Guardians of the Galaxy" tonight. If you have good thoughts and energy to spare, please send them out to Professor Hanna's family because I cannot even imagine how hard this must be for them.
General Suicide Prevention Information:
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
Resources for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Profession-specific Resources for Those Connected to the Legal Field:
Dave Nee Foundation
ABA Commission on Lawyer Assistance Programs Resources on Depression
I'm just going to throw all the content warnings on here for good measure. If you are low on spoons, particularly emotional ones, please feel free to skip this post. I'm going to break this into the three sections mentioned in the title with content warnings on each section.
The Good
We'll start with The Good because that is a nice thing to talk about. I'm going to put this under a cut tag not just for length, but also because I know some of my friends may not have spoons to read about any medical stuff, even stuff with happier outcomes, and other may wish to avoid discussions of food issues.
I mentioned in my last post that my doctor and I had finally figured out that my antidepressant was causing most of the problems I have been experiencing lately (higher anxiety, difficulty sleeping, lack of appetite, increased fatigue, irritability, and so forth and so on). Lowering my Effexor dosage from 75 mg to 37.5 mg helped, but I was still experiencing some problems. So we discussed how to wean me off the medication entirely and I have been doing that. I am in my third day of no Effexor at all and it has definitely made a difference. It was a difference I desperately needed and has given me back some of my cope. I am extremely thankful for this because I needed every ounce of my cope this week.
The other thing I realized this past week, thanks to some very helpful observations by my chosen family, is that when I stopped eating dairy I did not replace those calories with anything. I have not had much appetite, and my mouth has been bothering me, which has made it even harder to find things that tempt me into eating. I was relying a lot on dairy to fill in some of the calories I needed. While I've started drinking unsweetened soy milk, but that is lower calorie than milk (not to mention it took me a while to get used to the different texture/taste). After actually sitting down and tabulating my caloric intake I realized that I have been (maybe) getting about 1200 calories a day. Thanks to other issues I've had I do not always recognize hunger (or acknowledge it). A good many of my headaches, stomach pain, and other discomfort have likely been due to hunger.
I have been making a concentrated effort to eat more often and carry more food with me throughout the day. I have also started researching dentists in the area and gotten my dental insurance info from HR (I kind of forgot that I had dental insurance). I will be calling to make an appointment on Monday. I also ordered a bunch of Penzey's spice blends. Penzey's is one of the few commercial spice companies that offers a bunch of blends that do not have sugar, dextrose, lactose, maltodextrine, msg, or other additives that I should not have added. This will help my sister and I change up some of our routine meals and add a little more variety to our lives. We're also working on doing more planning and prep on the weekends so that we both eat more and better during the week. All of these things are already making a difference in how I am feeling. So yay!
The Bad
Monday morning my sister/roommate, E, found out that her mother had been hospitalized after having been found incoherent and unresponsive. Apparently she had a stroke due to a blood clot. She regained consciousness and was able to talk but had lost some mobility in her left side. My sister was able to talk to her that morning. They have put her on Cumidin and she has already been moved to a long term rehab unit for physical therapy and post-stroke care. There is some concern about possible dementia based on her MRI, as well as general worries of additional strokes. So my sister has been doing a lot of research into longer term care possibilities if needed. Her mom is doing pretty well though and is in good humor despite everything. So you know this is bad but it could be worse.
The Seriously Ugly
If you have been following my blog for a while you know that I am a recent law school graduate. I attended a very small law school in rural Vermont, and was pretty involved on campus when I could be. Vermont Law School was a non-stereotypical law school, one that focused on community building and improvement and collaboration rather than competition and winning. VLS is one of those places where you pretty much new everyone even if you didn't have a class with them. Monday brought some seriously hard news to our community. One of our professors and campus leaders was found dead in her home on Sunday. It has since been revealed that she was struggling with depression and took her own life. A local news station actually handled the revelation very well.
This hit so very close to home for me, not only because I knew Professor Hanna and respected the hell out of her, but because I have struggled so much with depression and suicidal ideation. Professor Hanna was an amazing woman. She inspired so many of us to strive for a better world. She was a phenomenal professor and I wish I could have had her for constitutional law. Unfortunately, depression takes away your ability to see your own worth. When you are depressed you cannot see how brightly you shine, or how much joy and inspiration you bring to others. It leaches your ability to hope, and the pain of it can be so unbearable. Combine that with a culture (both societal and professional) that still stigmatizes mental illness and characterizes depression as a character flaw, and a country that has systemically cut back on mental health services, and you have a recipe for disasters like this.
I will give major props to Vermont Law though. They alerted faculty, students, and alumni of Professor Hanna's passing on Monday and provided a hotline for grief counseling in that notification. There has been a ton of encouragement to all members of the community to grieve together and support one another. Hopefully this tragedy will also help spur a larger discussion in the legal community about mental health.
I'm doing what I need to do to take care of myself, including compiling lists of resources and sharing them on various social media sites. I also have plans to go see "Guardians of the Galaxy" tonight. If you have good thoughts and energy to spare, please send them out to Professor Hanna's family because I cannot even imagine how hard this must be for them.
General Suicide Prevention Information:
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Suicide Prevention Resource Center
Resources for Survivors of Suicide Loss
Profession-specific Resources for Those Connected to the Legal Field:
Dave Nee Foundation
ABA Commission on Lawyer Assistance Programs Resources on Depression
no subject
It's great that you found out what the basic cause of the recent health issues is and that the solution is working. I sincerely hope that the fixes in that area continue to work well for quite a bit to come. Yes, you really do need calories to make your body function and headaches, lightheadedness and memory issues are definitely some of the body's ways of telling you "Feed me, Seymour!" In particular, you need to keep some easy Brain Food around for snacks between meals. Things high in calcium, omega 3s and other amino acids are great for that (sorry, I can't think of anything that is gluten free or non-dairy off the top of my head). One thing you could do is to go to the local health food store and ask them to recommend some of their products for your specific needs. Also, it might not hurt to consult a nutritionist. Both options will be fairly expensive, but well worth it in the long run.
I'm so sorry to hear about your room mate's Mom. That sort of thing terrifies me far more than death itself does, that is for certain! However, with proper care and treatment, a lot of people are making full recoveries after stroke, so there is definitely room for hope.
It's always difficult to hear about someone committing suicide, especially someone we care about and/or respect greatly. I hope her family, friends, colleagues and students are able to grieve and move on, remembering all of the good and positive things that she brought to this world with her.
Many virtual hugs and huge amounts of supportive thoughts to you, your room mate's Mom and to Professor Hanna's friends, colleagues and family.
no subject
no subject
touch and be touched, eat of love
hold: we'll hold with you
stand you in rain, dark
still touch and be touched, feed love
hold: we'll hold with you
I grieve for your loss, carissima. I wish luck and stamina to E and her mom re: recovery & the logistics thereof. I hope you yourself continue to see improvements from getting off the problem-generating med & adding back in the missing calories.
Thank you for letting us know, and giving us a chance to share in supporting you with these.
So much love (as always),
J.J.
no subject
word wrapped comfort
connects across the wires
love sings across my heart
no subject
I'm glad that there is good co-existing with the bad, though I'm aware it by no means ameliorates it.
*hugs and tea*
no subject
no subject
Second, ugh to needing ALL the cope. I am so so so sorry for your loss. Suicide hits hard. :( ::::hugs::::
Last, if you want a dentist in my neighborhood, I go to one I love. Happy to pass on the name.
Have a great time at GotG!
no subject
I would be very happy to have another name to research and/or call to see if they are taking new appointments.
GotG was really good. I will definitely be seeing it again.