The danger of the "it gets better" and "positive thinking" mentalities. . .

[alee_grrl]

or "Why grumpy cat is so popular: sometimes you can't 'out think' bad days"

Now I know that "Grumpy Cat," a lovely little kitty named Tardar Sauce, isn't actually grumpy but simply has a face shape that looks that way. However she makes a wonderful stand-in for us on those bad, frustrating days where we just want to growl at everyone. In a culture that is constantly trying to tell us to "be happy," "smile," or "look on the bright side," it is important to remember that it is okay to be sad, be grumpy, be angry, or not feel good. We shouldn't have to maintain a happy front day in and day out regardless of how we feel. And while laughing and smiling can make you feel better, they need to be genuine in order to work. Forcing a smile or laugh just pisses you off all the more, and often makes you feel more brittle than you already felt.


The danger of telling someone that "it gets better" or "just think positively, if you put enough good energy out then good things will happen" is that it can lead to the mind-set that better equals perfect, and that thinking positively will prevent bad things from happening. This can lead to a very dangerous let down and a nasty guilt cycle where you think that 'if only I had just been more upbeat, more positive, then I would be happy."

We (Americans, as that is my main cultural framework, though I have a feeling this may apply to other cultures as well) are taught from infancy that we have to be happy (not just that we deserve to be happy), and our culture implies, and sometimes outright says, that happiness once achieved should not be lost. Happiness is not really shown as an emotion, something that naturally occurs in cycles and in relation to events, objects, people, etc. Instead it is shown as a period of time, as something we can achieve.

In a way it reminds me of the myths of adulthood. This idea that you turn 18 and suddenly understand the mysteries of adulthood. Suddenly you have all the answers. This is not the way it works. And holding onto these myths is dangerous because it encourages us to hate on ourselves when it never happens. Since we aren't really encouraged to talk about these things, we don't clue into the fact that others are having the exact same experience. So we continue on, hating ourselves for something that we can't control.

Happiness is not an object we can achieve, and not being happy all the time does not make us less of a person. It does not make us broken. It doesn't mean we are inadequate. It most definitely doesn't mean we are bad. It is a fact of life. Happiness is an emotion, like sadness, like grief, like love. It can be triggered by certain things, it can be spontaneous, it can be connected to other emotions, it can be long lasting, and it can be fleeting.

Often life does get better, but it never gets perfect. It can't get perfect. We live in an imperfect world. Happiness cannot last forever. We wouldn't likely wouldn't recognize it if it did.

Instead we learn to recognize those moments when happiness might be able to flourish, to look for things that we can do that will encourage that emotion in us. We learn better coping skills to deal with problems that arise, and hopefully learn to seek out support from others when we need to. These are the things that make life better.

And one of the biggest things we can do is talk to each other. Talk honestly and openly about our lives, our hopes, our dreams, and our disasters. By doing this we build networks, we share skills, and we help others find the resources they might need to improve some facet of their lives. It may be possible to survive alone in this world, but as a community we can thrive. And it is in thriving that we find more opportunities to be happy.

That said, there are always going to be bad days. And after a period of happiness, after a longer length of time when things are better, there is nothing more frustrating than to have a period of bad days. Sometimes the better things have been, the harder it is to cope with the bad days.

One of the hardest things I am finding myself dealing with during Lyme treatment is this very thing, this roller coaster of improvements followed by bad days, especially when I am finally at a point in treatment where I am starting to realize just what healthy might possibly feel like. It is heartbreakingly aggravating to go from being able to dance and being pain free, to having trouble walking up stairs and hurting, which is what happened when I got a cold on top of a herxheimer reaction. I was too foggy to realize that it wasn't just a herx and so didn't think to skip my antibiotic and give myself a chance to recover until much later in the week.

Our bodies and minds are primed to forget pain and gloss over bad memories. After a good period, and this had been one of my longer good periods, I have trouble remembering just how bad I can feel sometimes, and just how much it sucks. I found that I was angry at myself, and at the world. I'm doing all the right things, my mind screamed, why do I feel this way again!

So I hid from the world, which is my fall back coping strategy when I get overwhelmed. I went to class and tried to keep up with my work, but came home immediately after. I slept as much as I could, which was what my body needed, but was equally frustrated by that need. I avoided social events, and stayed off social media for the most part.

I didn't want to blog about how I was feeling because I had been doing so well. Part of me felt like it was a let down to post about a bad week when I had just posted about doing better. A large part of me felt like folks would think that I was seeking attention or sympathy when really that was the last thing on my mind. I worried that people might start saying things like "why can't she post about happy things," "she's so negative all the time," "all she does is whines."

My confidence is usually shattered on bad days. I have trouble thinking clearly. I feel that people are going to look at me and just know that I barely got out of bed that morning, that a strong wind could knock me off balance, and that if they hugged me I might scream.

But the thing is, they can't. Most people are caught up in their own heads and own worlds. They aren't even looking for these things. They might notice I looked a little more zombie like, that I wasn't as chipper as I can be on the good days. By now my friends know that this means an increase in antibiotics and are usually kind and understanding.

But I'm so unused to this understanding that I never expect it. I'm still training myself out of the "you have to be upbeat all the time" mentality. I find it hard to lean on others when I need the support, and during the bad weeks I do need the support badly. But as a little girl that care and support were missing or tainted, and I came to rely on myself more and more. I do have those I will reach out to, but even then sometimes they have to remind me that I can. I do know that without them I would not have made it this far through treatment.

But sometimes on the worst days I long for my mother. Not the one who raised me, but the one who could have raised me. The mother I caught glimpses of beneath the lies and hate. Those are the days where I've usually awoken from intense and disturbing dreams, achy and tired, disconcerted. Those are the days I'm most likely to hide from everyone as much as possible.

I've heard similar things from friends on and offline. And today in class we discussed an excerpt of Covering by Kenji Yoshino, which deals with the process of downplaying a disfavored trait. These two things combined in my head and resulted in this ridiculously long post.

I essentially realized three things: 1) I shouldn't be mad at myself for being human and having bad days, weeks or months; 2) these are issues that should be discussed and others probably feel the same way, and 3) those days that I feel most like hiding are the days I really need to reach out to others. And so this blog post was born.

Blessings and love.

Comments

[raze]

<3 I really appreciated this post; thank you for sharing your experiences even if it might be painful to relive them. I try to be careful about "it gets better!" type language, because while the sentiment behind it is well-intended, it is problematic in all the ways you mentioned plus it can quite frankly be dishonest. I have a neurodegenerative disease. It's not going to get better, and I shouldn't be expected to buck up on that premise and/or feel guilty for having a valid human experience of "bummed the fuck out" about it.

This actually reminds me of a verse from a poem that I appreciate so much and suspect you will as well:

So the next time I tell you
how easily I come out of my skin,
don’t try to put me back in,
Just say, Here we are, together at the window
aching for it to all get better
but knowing as bad as it hurts,
our hearts may have only just skinned their knees,
knowing there is a chance
the worst day might still be coming,

[alee_grrl]

<3 Thank you so much for your response.

You are very right about the fact that some things don't really get better, and that it is perfectly okay to be bummed and angry about that.

That verse is so amazingly perfect. Thank you so much for sharing it. Do you have information on the poem it's from.

And thank you for being one of my friends, for responding to my posts and sharing your own stories and experiences. I am very glad to know you. :)

[raze]

The poem is from The Nutritionist (TW for talk of MI/suicidality/meds/etc). It is one of my absolute favorite poems about depression, especially to share with friend - speaking of, I am very glad to have you in my life, as well <3

[sulien]

Absolutely brilliant post! I sat here and thought 'exactly!' while reading most of it. Would you mind if I copied and pasted this (removing the personal bits) and attributed it to you as alee_grrl on Dreamwidth?

Most importantly, it's fabulous that you've realized all of this. I'm also very glad that those close to you and with whom you deal regularly understand the bad days. I hope the bad days due to your Lyme treatment become fewer and fewer; regular, every day issues are quite enough without that.

Much love and many hugs to you!

[alee_grrl]

Thank you. Much love and many hugs to you in return.

You are very welcome to share the post so long as it is attributed to me. :) You are also welcome to share the post in whole if you so wish. I have thought very hard, and sometimes still an uncertain, about whether my journal posts involving more personal details should be public or limited to those who are in my circle. After a lot of thought I have decided that what I have chosen to share is worth sharing publicly. I know how much good it would have done me to be able to read others accounts of similar journeys, and how much good it does me even now when I read others stories and know that I am not alone.

[sulien]

Thank you! I've got the notification for your post saved in my in box and will, hopefully, get around to posting it myself some time this week or next.

Yep, talk about procrastinating. :-p

Yes...

[ysabetwordsmith]

This is crucial stuff to remember, especially since the medical industry has decided to pathologize grief. Yeah, that's really gonna help.

"It gets better" bothers me because it's phrased as an absolute. You don't KNOW it will get better. It might. It might also get worse, even fatally worse, especially for the queer and other bullied kids that campaign is aimed at. Plus if they buy into the meme and it doesn't deliver, the disappointment alone can be crushing. A more flexible phrasing would be safer.

Re: Yes...

[alee_grrl]

Very good points. At first I was very for the "It Gets Better" message as I felt that it was one that would have been helpful to hear as a child and teen. However, the more I think about it and my own life experiences the more I realize how dangerous a message because of the expectations it can raise. I worry that kids will think there are no bullies after high school. A more flexible phrasing would be much better. It may not fit into such a great sound bite, but it would be better.

[lynnoconnacht]

*hugs* There's so much in your post I want to "Yes, this" to. <3

The danger of telling someone that "it gets better" or "just think positively, if you put enough good energy out then good things will happen" is that it can lead to the mind-set that better equals perfect, and that thinking positively will prevent bad things from happening

It feels so good to know that I'm not the only person who's run into that, especially the latter. I'm especially grateful to hear you voice the latter half because I've recently finished polishing off a story where that whole "Just thing positive thoughts!" doesn't work (and actually makes matters worse). Personally, I feel like slogans like those you quoted discourage listening, and that's not good. It's good to know that I'm not the only person who feels such things and wants to bring them to a space where we can discuss them.

I keep bumping into saying things you've already said. >> Because this: Forcing a smile or laugh just pisses you off all the more, and often makes you feel more brittle than you already felt.

Sometimes, when we have bad days, people just need (or want) to vent or cry or grump without being told how to fix it and/or how to regain happiness or... whathaveyou. And that's okay. Heck, isn't that healthy?

I worried that people might start saying things like "why can't she post about happy things," "she's so negative all the time," "all she does is whines."

*offers brain demon repellent* I worry about these things all the time and... that actually makes it all so much worse because there's no balance. If I post only happy things and suddenly there's a negative post, it stands out. It's noticeably different from what I usually journal or blog about. And if people notice that I'm not perfect(ly happy) then they'll start seeing the cracks and the unhappiness everywhere and the demons will be right and... You probably see where that's going. ^_^; (I think I've found a better balance for my own posts, but who knows.)

I am so tempted to use my happy icon purely for the irony of it...

[alee_grrl]

I am so tempted to use my happy icon purely for the irony of it...

:D

*offers brain demon repellent* I worry about these things all the time and... that actually makes it all so much worse because there's no balance.

Thanks for the brain demon repellent. :)

Personally, I feel like slogans like those you quoted discourage listening, and that's not good.

This! It does discourage listening, and that just makes things worse.

Sometimes, when we have bad days, people just need (or want) to vent or cry or grump without being told how to fix it and/or how to regain happiness or... whathaveyou. And that's okay. Heck, isn't that healthy?

It is okay, and it is healthy.

[lynnoconnacht]

This! It does discourage listening, and that just makes things worse.

It does! (Not feeling/being listened to is one of my triggers, actually, so I might be a bit more sensitive to the situation than most.) I appreciate the idea behind "it gets better" and "positive thinking" and all, but it's so often a one-way communication, not a two-way one. That's it's biggest failing for me. It denies people's situation in the present and robs them of the ability to talk about it. Try and proponents go "Yes, but later" because the present... doesn't matter or something?

It. No. I will... hush now and not rant at you. >> Yes, this is a bit of a sore/soapbox topic in general for me.

[jjhunter]

I'm going through something similar myself right now; this post means more to me than I can properly articulate. Thank you.

[alee_grrl]

Hugs!

[jelazakazone]

Awesome post is made of so much win. Rock on sister.

[alee_grrl]

Thank you!

[jelazakazone]

Thanks for the add. Just to warn you, in case you weren't already aware, I talk about Merlin stuff and Alexander Vlahos a LOT lately. I often post three times a day. It will not hurt my feelings if you drop me.

I was thinking about adding you, but was waffling and gone most of the day and then I got home to see you'd subscribed to me. I have found the contact I've had with you incredibly inspirational.

Also, I see you might be in Fairfax over the summer which means I will have to come kidnap you because I live in Vienna, practically right next door. Do you contra dance? We have a great scene here and dh and I go every week.

[skuares]

The mentality you describe is both familiar and entirely foreign to me. I'm familiar with the American culture, but your eternal strive to be happy makes no sense to me. I think that happiness is a state of being rather than a feeling. A person can feel happy, but reaching something perfect in a flawed world isn't possible. Sooner or later something will happen that makes you sad. Why strive for something that will only lead to disappointment instead of being content with what you can reach? And why strive so hard to avoid melancholy periods in your life?

There can be no joy without sorrow and they are both equal parts of our lives and should be given equal place. I'd pity someone who was always happy since they would have to be mad.

//Rant's over. Sorry for butting in. I found this through jelazakazone's post...

[alee_grrl]

Feel free to rant away. It's a mentality that makes no sense! Our eternal striving for happiness is the very thing making us miserable. It's a laughable and ridiculous view and one we desperately need to change.

I'd pity someone who was always happy since they would have to be mad.

In many respects I think America as a culture has gone mad. And it is a madness compounded by the fact that we refuse to talk about it. I can only hope that posts like this one and others can start bringing our imbalance to better light. It helps having outside viewpoints that are more balanced. Maybe eventually we can develop healthier attitudes.

Thank you so much for commenting! I am very glad to read everyone's replies and see this discussion develop.

[skuares]

Before you grant me full leave: I am quite good at it;)

I'm born and bred in a culture which strive for balance and equality while celebrating innovation and honest work. This is, of course, not always good since it has also lead to a certain aloofness and a "don't think you're anything special" kind of attitude. But I prefer that to having to strive to be the best and happy all the time. Neither of them is possible and neither of them lead to any good in the long run.

I'm also used to people expecting you to feel down during autumn and winter and that the only way to answer your friend when they ask about how you feel is with an honest answer. Sadness, melancholia, hopelessness, depression and anger aren't dangerous emotions as long as you acknowledge that you experience them and may need help getting through it.

I certainly hope so. I have a few American friends and I do worry about some of them and their seemingly constant unfulfilment.

Thank you for posting this. It's very interesting to read people's thoughts on the matter.

[jelazakazone]

♥ I love you, bb.

[skuares]

Love you too, hon <3

"It does not make us broken"

[fyreharper]

Thank you for this. I've been not-answering people's "how are you"s lately because answering that question seems somehow inappropriate. Because the answer to that is supposed to be (but isn't) that I am doing well. Because they all want me to be happy and I hate disappointing them.

So. Yes. Thank you.

Re: "It does not make us broken"

[alee_grrl]

You're welcome. Thank you for replying. The more we talk to each other and share, the more we realize that we have the same experiences, the less alone and broken we are likely to feel.

[untonuggan]

<3 This is really good, and it's 4 am so these are all the words I can muster, but thank you.

[alee_grrl]

Thank you!