Lovely, thoughtful year-end post. A few things: 1. I am glad I'm not the only one - or perhaps "comforted" is a better word, since I'm not glad that it upsets you - who feels strangely about finding one's thinness preferable despite railing against society's "fatphobia." I struggle with EDNOS and while it is largely NOT motivated by appearence, I am severely freaked out by fatness in myself even though it doesn't bother me in other people. I find this vexing and weak and guilt-inspiring. I am also a very petite person as it sounds you are, and being this 5'1" shrimp that weighs less than most dogs I groom? Does not mesh nicely with my masculine sense of identity.
2. I'm also able to relate on the whole "buying things for self = massive guilt trip/I am becoming an impulsive spender panic" note and am happy to hear that you are slowly reconciling it. It feels like a major triumph whenever I can buy some little thing for myself without having a panic attack or feeling the need to return it. So, high five for foward progress and treating the lovely you to something nice every now and again :)
3. Also, fantastic achievement keeping the sugars/sweets in check during lyme treatment. That is HARD and I salute you for it!
TW for a bit of weight discussion as well
1. I am glad I'm not the only one - or perhaps "comforted" is a better word, since I'm not glad that it upsets you - who feels strangely about finding one's thinness preferable despite railing against society's "fatphobia." I struggle with EDNOS and while it is largely NOT motivated by appearence, I am severely freaked out by fatness in myself even though it doesn't bother me in other people. I find this vexing and weak and guilt-inspiring. I am also a very petite person as it sounds you are, and being this 5'1" shrimp that weighs less than most dogs I groom? Does not mesh nicely with my masculine sense of identity.
2. I'm also able to relate on the whole "buying things for self = massive guilt trip/I am becoming an impulsive spender panic" note and am happy to hear that you are slowly reconciling it. It feels like a major triumph whenever I can buy some little thing for myself without having a panic attack or feeling the need to return it. So, high five for foward progress and treating the lovely you to something nice every now and again :)
3. Also, fantastic achievement keeping the sugars/sweets in check during lyme treatment. That is HARD and I salute you for it!
TL/DR: You are awesome :)